(13) “The Englishman”

Original Airdate: (December 7, 1957)

Your guide would cut your throat for $10.
If he didn’t, you’d be shot by desperadoes
or scalped by Indians. This gun is your safe passage.

Well, Hey Boy, what’s the news of the world? Robbery, murders?

Plenty, like always, Mr. Paladin.

If only today something different would…

00:01:23,682 –> 00:01:24,749
I say, Porter! Hang on to this for me will you? My room isn’t ready yet. My trunks are being sent up from the ship. Oh, and porter, which way is Freetown, Montana?

Well, perhaps I could be of some assistance. Montana is that way and my name is Paladin. Why, thank you, sir. I’m James Brunswick.

Well, you must be tired after your long trip. Come, sit with me and we’ll discuss the problems of the world. Hey Boy! Bring my companion some wi… brandy.

00:01:52,177 –> 00:01:53,944
Do you smoke, sir?
Thank you…therefore my older brother naturally inherited the family estate and the title, the Earl of Brunswick. My father had invested money in this ranch in Montona and his share came to me.


That state is called Montana.
Oh…thank you.

And now you’ve come to take possession? Yes, I only have a half-share. The rest is owned by a third cousin, a Miss Felicia Carson.

Have you met her?

00:02:19,371 –> 00:02:21,806
No. But it doesn’t seem quite right, you know? I mean, a woman saddled with all this responsibility while I lounge about in England. So here I am. It’ll be great sport, I expect.

Well, I should think she’d
be glad of a man’s help.

00:02:31,450 –> 00:02:32,617
I thought so, yes. I shall take the first train out in the morning and pop in on her in a day or so.

It’ll be more like three weeks.

Is it that far?

Well, it’s about as far as from England to Russia.

Well, that’s fantastic.

The train will drop you off 200 miles from Fleetown and it’s a rough trip over the mountains on horseback.

Well, I might do a bit of hunting on route.
I shall hire a guide.

Who will cut your throat for the content of your purse. You can’t make it alone. You’ll be shot by desperadoes, lost in the mountains or scalped by Indians.

00:03:01,747 –> 00:03:03,481
Well, that’s a bit awkward, Paladin. I mean, I can’t just hang about here in San Francisco.

May I make a suggestion?

00:03:07,386 –> 00:03:08,453


I say, Paladin, not really?

Yes, really.

00:03:20,899 –> 00:03:23,568
But the, uh, the gun… is that necessary?

Not always necessary, but sometimes indispensable.



‘Morning, boys. Hope you’ve got my order made up, N.G.
There it is,
sitting fat and sassy
waiting for you,
Miss Carson.
I think I’ll have
a look at your cloth.
Load the supplies, Waddy.
Why don’t you sit
and have a cup of coffee
after that long ride?
Well, I-I don’t
mind if I do.
How’s the dry spell
hitting the King’s Arm?
Oh, not too bad.
Water’s still holding up
pretty good.
N.G., you rigged that chair!
And you sat right down in it.
That’s not too funny, N.G.
Matter of fact, none
of your jokes are too funny.
Oh, come off it,
Miss Carson.
Ain’t nobody hurt none
and Waddy, he’d be
laughing as hard
as anyone if it was pulled
on Joe or Dan, wouldn’t he?
Load the supplies, Waddy. Yes, ma’am.
Why don’t you grow up?
Playing these fool little boy
jokes all the time.
You ain’t got no sense
of humor, ma’am,
and that’s a fact.
Neither do you
if the truth was said.
Ma’am, I think your
cousin just got here.

Crazy clothes.

Morning, this Fleetown?
That’s the name.
Looking for someone
special around here?

Well, my friend is trying to
locate the King’s Arms Ranch.
That’s what I was afraid of.
I mean, what I figured.
Well, I reckon
you’re my kinfolk, Jamie.
Cousin Felicia,
this is delightful.
I reckon.
Pleased to meet you.
Oh, um, my friend, Mr. Paladin.

Miss Carson, pleasure.

The same.
Well, let’s not stand
around gawking.
Let’s go inside
and have a cup of coffee.
Warm up the coffee, N.G.
I say those are real savages.
Chief Harry Blackfoot. Little Horse, and a few of the boys up the road, that’s all.
Joe, heat up the coffee.

James was disappointed not to
see any Indians on the trail.
Good thing, too.
The only braves
you run into up there
would be a war party
taking scalps.
Those fellas
are a lot more peaceable.
They ain’t smeared war paint
in near ten years.
War paint? Scalps?
Hmm, sounds exciting.

Well, it makes
good reading, James,
but it’s nothing
you’d want to see.
Oh, no,
I suppose not.
Say, are you the one who shot that poor little bear cub? The one who’s hide I seen on the horse?
I shot him, but he’s scarcely a cub.
Why, Mister, you ain’t acquainted with the Montana breed of bear. Full growed, they’re as big as this store.
Now hold on, N.G.
You don’t want to interrupt
your cousin, Miss Carson.
A man ought to do
his own talking.
Say, I never heard
of any animal that large.
I’ve only been
on the kill
of a full-size
Montana bear only once,
on an expedition
with an army group
when we run across one.
It took a ten-pound shot
from a cannon to bring him down.
The dang thing was,
when we peeled the hide off him,
you know what we found
under that bearskin?
No, what?
Bare skin!
I must say the joke’s on me.
It sure is.

N.G., I don’t know how you did that, but since I know they’re strictly flesh, I’ll take a dozen.
That’s a horse on you, N.G.
I say, that’s

You think that’s funny,
do you?
Yes, don’t you?
Not much.
Come on, James. N.G. finally bit on one and he don’t like the sour taste.

00:08:20,299 –> 00:08:24,235
It’s a real pleasure to make your acquaintance, Paladin.
Uh, good day.

Follow me, Jamie. Follow me.
So that dude can appreciate a joke, huh?
Say, Harry…can you round up about a dozen braves and get them to smear on some war paint and whoop it up?
What for?
It’s just a little joke.
Friend of mine ain’t
never seen any wild Indians.
Give him a show.
Big Crazy Clothes?
You give each Indian
bottle of whiskey?
Well, that’s kind of an expensive joke. All right, it’s a deal. Yes, sir, that dude is likely to run right out his britches.

And here’s the barn. Well, that’s the works, Jamie.
These buildings, 6,000 head of cattle, 12,000 acres of land.
And you’ve been looking after all this?
You’re an amazing
woman, Felicia.
It had to be done.
Well, now that
I’m here,
I intend to take that
burden off your shoulders.
And you shall sit back
and be the lady of the manor.
Thanks, Jamie,
but for a while,
you just sort of
take it easy
and don’t bother
yourself none.
Supper’s ready
in a half hour.

Well, James, this is quite
a spread you’ve got here.
Yes, I’m afraid she doesn’t
take me very seriously, Paladin.

Well, that will change.
You’re strange to her now.
To everyone.
You know, I was thinking
about it this morning,
about N.G. Smith
and his little joke.
I was being tested,
wasn’t I?

I’m afraid so.
See, there’s a theory
out here.
A man that can be
tricked is a fool.
And there are two kinds of
people they can’t tolerate.
Cowards and fools.
In a tight situation,
the one would run off
and leave you,
and the other would
make fatal mistakes.
And I showed myself to be a fool.

Well, let’s just say that for the moment, you’ve lost face. You don’t fit in.
How does one go about
fitting in, Paladin?

Well, James, I suppose I could deliver a long lecture on physical differences, the clothes you’re wearing, the hat, even your saddle. Look at it- it’s for riding. Look at this one. This is a cowboy’s workbench. Everything a cowboy needs for a working day is right here. Tie and post for roping, high cantle to give a man support and comfort during that long, hard working day. And here’s a boot for a rifle.
Yes, I have got a lot to learn.

James, the truth of the matter is, that survival is very difficult out here. Everything, everybody, has to contribute. The way to fit in is to find a particular…

Shouldn’t be hostiles down here.
Oh, no.
Of all the fool tricks, screaming like a band of medicine show squaws.
Let me see, Harry.

Big joke, N.G. say. Everybody have fun.

It’s a bad one. It’s high in the chest.
You do this?
I’m sorry. I didn’t know.

Let’s get him in the house.
No! We take care of our chief.
I can’t tell you how sorry I am.
We’ll go into town in the morning. Maybe they’ll listen to reason then. N.G. and his stupid jokes. We’ve had no Indian trouble in years. Why couldn’t you wait and find out what it was about before you shot?

That wasn’t fair of her.
Wasn’t it, Paladin? What was that you said about a fool? A fool who makes fatal mistakes?

All right, all right. Hold your horses. I’m coming! What for you banging on my door at this time of night for?
He shoot Harry.
Who shot Harry?
The crazy clothes. Harry hurt bad.
What do you come to me for? It was no fault of mine.
You say big joke.
Everybody laugh.
That idiot had no business shooting back at you. He should have known it was a joke. Look, boys, you got a legitimate reason to be sore. But I didn’t pull the trigger, so don’t look at me that way. Your fight is with the dude. Boys, I couldn’t be sorrier. If I could make it up in any way- not that it was my fault, mind you. Well, I promised you a bottle of whiskey each and you had some trouble, so… here’s a whole keg. Go ahead, take it. It’s on me.
Sure am sorry about Harry, Little Horse. Anything I can do, just let me know.
Buckboard’s all hitched up outside, Miss Carson. It’s all ready.
Jamie will be right along.
Wasn’t his fault, you know.
He reacted instinctively. He was attacked. Picked up a rifle and defended himself.
He should have used his head instead of a rifle.

Would you have liked it better if he ran away and hid?
When are you figuring to leave, Paladin?

Take him with you. For his own good. How long do you think he’d last out here before somebody blows his head off?

He could learn with your help.
I’m running a ranch, not a school. Oh, Paladin, it isn’t as if I didn’t like him.

Well, then don’t take this ranch away from him. He needs it. It’ll give him some purpose in life. And you need him.
Good morning.
I’m sorry I’m late.

Good morning, James.
Now when we get to town, Jamie, I just want you to let me do the talking. The Indians have probably cooled down by now.
If Harry Blackfoot’s
all right.
N.G. started this. It’s up to him to stop it. I want you to show up and just stand there like you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.
But you think I have something to be ashamed of. Paladin, I’d appreciate it if you’d stay until this matter’s cleared up. Then I’d like to return to San Francisco with you. I can make passage back to England from there.

If that’s what you want.
Yes, I think that will
be best for everybody.

Miss Carson, do you really
believe that?
There, then
that’s all settled.

They’re drunk. The whole lot of them.
Harry don’t look hurt too bad, just mean.

We better get N.G. before we try to talk to him.
James? You can’t stay here alone. Come on with us.
Waddy, you take care of the rig.
Time to get out of here.
There you are, you troublemaker! You get the Indians all stewed up the plain fool way you acted.
You mangy dog.
Why you!
I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

That’s enough, N.G. Now you’re going outside with us and tell Harry exactly why this is all your fault.
What do you mean, my fault?

I don’t have to explain that to you. They’re in no mood to listen to reason now.

Because you’ve got them all drunk and fired up.


All right. It was a mistake. But if I take the blame now, they’ll kill me.

If you don’t, I’ll kill you.
Hold it.
You kill any one
of them
and the word will reach
every lodge in this region.
There won’t be an Indian within 500 miles
not wearing war paint.
Send out Crazy Clothes!
Crazy Clothes!
You get out there
and tell them to stop it.
I can’t stop them.
They want him!
Send out Crazy Clothes! Crazy Clothes!
War or no war, we ain’t going to stand for this. Besides, we got kids at home.

That won’t be necessary. What do you think you’re doing?


I don’t have much choice, do I?


You can’t go out there, Jamie.


You don’t want someone to get killed, do you?
Or start a war?
Call it off, Harry.
We could have killed your braves
before this,
but that would mean a war.
You kill this man and the soldiers will come anyway and you don’t want that!
Harry, it’s even now. You were hurt before. This man has been hurt in return. It’s enough!
Harry, call it off! In a far distant land, this is the uniform of a brave man.
It is, Harry. In that distant land, only a brave and honorable chief, a man of strength like you, can wear these clothes. See how he behaves? He doesn’t flinch.
Enough! He is brave, the crazy clothes.
I feel I owe you an apology, old man. I’m really dreadfully sorry. It was inexcusable.
You feeling better, Jamie?
I’m feeling fine. Fortunately, N.G. carried my size in stock.
Only brave and honorable men may wear this uniform.
Great and wise leaders.

That’s right.
Only me and this one.
No one else.

You’re a coward and a fool, N.G.
I don’t think you’ll be able to live that down in this neighborhood anymore.
I ain’t going anywhere, mister. These folks will stick with me. Ain’t that so?
Wait a minute! You can’t listen to him!

Well, I expect we better return to the ranch and pack.

00:23:36,764 –> 00:23:39,399
You can’t run off and leave me now, Jamie.
That ranch needs a man.

00:23:42,070 –> 00:23:43,503
Thank you for
that, Felicia,
but I’m afraid I have so
little to contribute out here.

00:23:46,473 –> 00:23:47,507
Except courage.
Without which,
there’d be nothing here.
You’re traveling alone.

00:23:57,085 –> 00:23:58,651
You know, I had an idea I might be. Supposing I mess things up again, spoil everything you’ve worked so hard to get out here?
Well, I don’t know how to say it, Jamie. You tell him, Paladin.

Well, James, you’ve been tested. You ring true. There’s no place in the world you can’t live if you just follow your natural instincts.

00:24:13,101 –> 00:24:15,202
That’s it, Jamie.

00:24:15,236 –> 00:24:16,603
I’ll stay.

Montana and you will both be the better for it.

00:24:22,343 –> 00:24:23,810


Hey Boy.

Mr. Paladin! Hey Boy
very happy
to see you so quick.

Thank you.
Anything new
since I’ve been gone?

Oh, no. Everything
very quiet.
Very quiet now.

Good. That’s
exactly what I…
Hey Boy, sometimes
you baffle me.
Did you say nothing new?

Nothing, Mr. Paladin.
You tired?
Me bring you something?

Yeah. Champagne.


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