(13) “The Englishman”

Season 1, Episode 13 – Original Airdate: (December 7, 1957)

Directed by Andrew V. McLaglen, Written by Sam Rolfe

TOM HELMORE as James Brunswick
ALIX TALTON as Felicia Carson
MURVYN VYE as N.G. Smith
TED DE CORSIA as Chief Harry Blackfoot
CLINTON SUNDBERG as Waddy
ABEL FERNANDEZ as Little Horse
(Silver Convoy, 1958) as Guard
(Strange Vendetta, 1957) as Bandit
ROBERT BICE as Husband
PETER BROCCO as Hotel Carlton Desk Clerk
(Cream of the Jest, 1962) as Young Husband
(The Prisoner, 1960) as Samuels
(A Matter of Ethics, 1957) as Hotel Carlton Desk Clerk
STAR TREK: TOS (Errand of Mercy, 1967) as Claymare

Your guide would cut your throat for $10. If he didn’t, you’d be shot by desperadoes or scalped by Indians. This gun is your safe passage.

INT. HOTEL CARLTON LOBBY – MORNING

PALADIN
Well, Hey Boy, what’s the news of the world? Robbery, murders?

HEY BOY
Plenty, like always, Mr. Paladin.

PALADIN
If only today something different would…

JAMES BRUNSWICK
I say, Porter! Hang on to this for me will you? My room isn’t ready yet. My trunks are being sent up from the ship. Oh, and porter, which way is Freetown, Montana?

PALADIN
Well, perhaps I could be of some assistance. Montana is that way and my name is Paladin.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Why, thank you, sir. I’m James Brunswick.

PALADIN
Well, you must be tired after your long trip. Come, sit with me and we’ll discuss the problems of the world. Hey Boy! Bring my companion some wi… brandy.

PALADIN
Do you smoke, sir?

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Thank you…therefore my older brother naturally inherited the family estate and the title, the Earl of Brunswick. My father had invested money in this ranch in Montona and his share came to me.

PALADIN
That state is called Montana.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Oh…thank you.

PALADIN
And now you’ve come to take possession?

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Yes, I only have a half-share. The rest is owned by a third cousin, a Miss Felicia Carson.

PALADIN
Have you met her?

JAMES BRUNSWICK
No. But it doesn’t seem quite right, you know? I mean, a woman saddled with all this responsibility while I lounge about in England. So here I am. It’ll be great sport, I expect.

PALADIN
Well, I should think she’d be glad of a man’s help.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
I thought so, yes. I shall take the first train out in the morning and pop in on her in a day or so.

PALADIN
It’ll be more like three weeks.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Is it that far?

PALADIN
Well, it’s about as far as from England to Russia.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Well, that’s fantastic.

PALADIN
The train will drop you off 200 miles from Fleetown and it’s a rough trip over the mountains on horseback.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Well, I might do a bit of hunting on route. I shall hire a guide.

PALADIN
Who will cut your throat for the content of your purse. You can’t make it alone. You’ll be shot by desperadoes, lost in the mountains or scalped by Indians.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Well, that’s a bit awkward, Paladin. I mean, I can’t just hang about here in San Francisco.

PALADIN
May I make a suggestion?

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Please.

[Paladin presents his card]

JAMES BRUNSWICK

I say, Paladin, not really?

PALADIN
Yes, really.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
But the, uh, the gun… is that necessary?

PALADIN
Not always necessary, but sometimes indispensable.

EXT. ON THE TRAIL – DAY

WADDY
Whoa!

FELICIA CARSON
‘Morning, boys. Hope you’ve got my order made up, N.G.

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
There it is, sitting fat and sassy waiting for you, Miss Carson.

FELICIA CARSON
I think I’ll have a look at your cloth. Load the supplies, Waddy.

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
Waddy?

WADDY
Yeah?

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
Why don’t you sit and have a cup of coffee after that long ride?

WADDY
Well, I-I don’t mind if I do.

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
How’s the dry spell hitting the King’s Arm?

WADDY
Oh, not too bad. Water’s still holding up pretty good. N.G., you rigged that chair!

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
And you sat right down in it.

FELICIA CARSON
That’s not too funny, N.G. Matter of fact, none of your jokes are too funny.

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
Oh, come off it, Miss Carson. Ain’t nobody hurt none and Waddy, he’d be laughing as hard as anyone if it was pulled on Joe or Dan, wouldn’t he?

FELICIA CARSON
Load the supplies, Waddy. Yes, ma’am. Why don’t you grow up? Playing these fool little boy jokes all the time.

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
You ain’t got no sense of humor, ma’am, and that’s a fact.

FELICIA CARSON
Neither do you if the truth was said.

WADDY
Ma’am, I think your cousin just got here.

INDIDAN
Crazy clothes.

PALADIN
Morning, this Fleetown?

FELICIA CARSON
That’s the name. Looking for someone special around here?

PALADIN
Well, my friend is trying to locate the King’s Arms Ranch.

FELICIA CARSON
That’s what I was afraid of. I mean, what I figured. Well, I reckon you’re my kinfolk, Jamie.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Cousin Felicia, this is delightful.

FELICIA CARSON
I reckon. Pleased to meet you.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Oh, um, my friend, Mr. Paladin.

PALADIN
Miss Carson, pleasure.

FELICIA CARSON
The same. Well, let’s not stand around gawking. Let’s go inside and have a cup of coffee.
Warm up the coffee, N.G.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
I say those are real savages.

FELICIA CARSON
Chief Harry Blackfoot. Little Horse, and a few of the boys up the road, that’s all.

N
Joe, heat up the coffee.

PALADIN
James was disappointed not to see any Indians on the trail.

FELICIA CARSON
Good thing, too. The only braves you run into up there would be a war party taking scalps. Those fellas are a lot more peaceable. They ain’t smeared war paint in near ten years.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
War paint? Scalps? Hmm, sounds exciting.

PALADIN
Well, it makes good reading, James, but it’s nothing you’d want to see.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Oh, no, I suppose not.

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
Say, are you the one who shot that poor little bear cub? The one who’s hide I seen on the horse?

JAMES BRUNSWICK
I shot him, but he’s scarcely a cub.

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
Why, Mister, you ain’t acquainted with the Montana breed of bear. Full growed, they’re as big as this store.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Really?

FELICIA CARSON
Now hold on, N.G.

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
You don’t want to interrupt your cousin, Miss Carson. A man ought to do his own talking.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Say, I never heard of any animal that large.

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
I’ve only been on the kill of a full-size Montana bear only once, on an expedition with an army group when we run across one. It took a ten-pound shot from a cannon to bring him down.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Extraordinary.

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
The dang thing was, when we peeled the hide off him, you know what we found under that bearskin?

JAMES BRUNSWICK
No, what?

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
Bare skin!

JAMES BRUNSWICK
I must say the joke’s on me.

FELICIA CARSON
It sure is.

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
Oh!

PALADIN
N.G., I don’t know how you did that, but since I know they’re strictly flesh, I’ll take a dozen.

M
That’s a horse on you, N.G.
I say, that’s humorous.

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
You think that’s funny, do you?

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Yes, don’t you?

M
Not much.

FELICIA CARSON
Come on, James. N.G. finally bit on one and he don’t like the sour taste.
It’s a real pleasure to make your acquaintance, Paladin.

JAMES BRUNSWICK
Uh, good day.

PALADIN
Follow me, Jamie. Follow me.

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
So that dude can appreciate a joke, huh? Say, Harry…can you round up about a dozen braves and get them to smear on some war paint and whoop it up?

H
What for?

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
It’s just a little joke. Friend of mine ain’t never seen any wild Indians. Give him a show.

H
Big Crazy Clothes?

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
Uh-huh.

H
You give each Indian bottle of whiskey?

N.G. SMITH – STOREKEEPER
Well, that’s kind of an expensive joke. All right, it’s a deal. Yes, sir, that dude is likely to run right out his britches.

INT.
And here’s the barn. Well, that’s the works, Jamie.
These buildings, 6,000 head of cattle, 12,000 acres of land.
And you’ve been looking after all this?
You’re an amazing
woman, Felicia.
It had to be done.
Well, now that
I’m here,
I intend to take that
burden off your shoulders.
And you shall sit back
and be the lady of the manor.
Thanks, Jamie,
but for a while,
you just sort of
take it easy
and don’t bother
yourself none.
Supper’s ready
in a half hour.

PALADIN
Well, James, this is quite
a spread you’ve got here.
Yes, I’m afraid she doesn’t
take me very seriously, Paladin.

PALADIN
Well, that will change.
You’re strange to her now.
To everyone.
You know, I was thinking
about it this morning,
about N.G. Smith
and his little joke.
I was being tested,
wasn’t I?

PALADIN
I’m afraid so.
See, there’s a theory
out here.
A man that can be
tricked is a fool.
And there are two kinds of
people they can’t tolerate.
Cowards and fools.
In a tight situation,
the one would run off
and leave you,
and the other would
make fatal mistakes.
And I showed myself to be a fool.

PALADIN
Well, let’s just say that for the moment, you’ve lost face. You don’t fit in.
How does one go about
fitting in, Paladin?

PALADIN
Well, James, I suppose I could deliver a long lecture on physical differences, the clothes you’re wearing, the hat, even your saddle. Look at it- it’s for riding. Look at this one. This is a cowboy’s workbench. Everything a cowboy needs for a working day is right here. Tie and post for roping, high cantle to give a man support and comfort during that long, hard working day. And here’s a boot for a rifle.
Yes, I have got a lot to learn.

PALADIN
James, the truth of the matter is, that survival is very difficult out here. Everything, everybody, has to contribute. The way to fit in is to find a particular…

PALADIN
Shouldn’t be hostiles down here.
Oh, no.
Of all the fool tricks, screaming like a band of medicine show squaws.
Let me see, Harry.

HARRY
Big joke, N.G. say. Everybody have fun.

PALADIN
It’s a bad one. It’s high in the chest.
You do this?
I’m sorry. I didn’t know.

PALADIN
Let’s get him in the house.
No! We take care of our chief.
I can’t tell you how sorry I am.
We’ll go into town in the morning. Maybe they’ll listen to reason then. N.G. and his stupid jokes. We’ve had no Indian trouble in years. Why couldn’t you wait and find out what it was about before you shot?

PALADIN
That wasn’t fair of her.
Wasn’t it, Paladin? What was that you said about a fool? A fool who makes fatal mistakes?

INT. TRADING POST
All right, all right. Hold your horses. I’m coming! What for you banging on my door at this time of night for?
He shoot Harry.
Who shot Harry?
The crazy clothes. Harry hurt bad.
What do you come to me for? It was no fault of mine.
You say big joke.
Everybody laugh.
That idiot had no business shooting back at you. He should have known it was a joke. Look, boys, you got a legitimate reason to be sore. But I didn’t pull the trigger, so don’t look at me that way. Your fight is with the dude. Boys, I couldn’t be sorrier. If I could make it up in any way- not that it was my fault, mind you. Well, I promised you a bottle of whiskey each and you had some trouble, so… here’s a whole keg. Go ahead, take it. It’s on me.
Sure am sorry about Harry, Little Horse. Anything I can do, just let me know.
Buckboard’s all hitched up outside, Miss Carson. It’s all ready.
Jamie will be right along.
Wasn’t his fault, you know.
He reacted instinctively. He was attacked. Picked up a rifle and defended himself.
He should have used his head instead of a rifle.

PALADIN
Would you have liked it better if he ran away and hid?
When are you figuring to leave, Paladin?

PALADIN
Tomorrow.
Take him with you. For his own good. How long do you think he’d last out here before somebody blows his head off?

PALADIN
He could learn with your help.
I’m running a ranch, not a school. Oh, Paladin, it isn’t as if I didn’t like him.

PALADIN
Well, then don’t take this ranch away from him. He needs it. It’ll give him some purpose in life. And you need him.
Good morning.
I’m sorry I’m late.

PALADIN
Good morning, James.
Now when we get to town, Jamie, I just want you to let me do the talking. The Indians have probably cooled down by now.
If Harry Blackfoot’s
all right.
N.G. started this. It’s up to him to stop it. I want you to show up and just stand there like you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.
But you think I have something to be ashamed of. Paladin, I’d appreciate it if you’d stay until this matter’s cleared up. Then I’d like to return to San Francisco with you. I can make passage back to England from there.

PALADIN
If that’s what you want.
Yes, I think that will
be best for everybody.

PALADIN
Miss Carson, do you really
believe that?
Yes.
There, then
that’s all settled.

EXT. INDIAN VILLAGE
They’re drunk. The whole lot of them.
Harry don’t look hurt too bad, just mean.

PALADIN
We better get N.G. before we try to talk to him.
James? You can’t stay here alone. Come on with us.
Waddy, you take care of the rig.
Time to get out of here.
There you are, you troublemaker! You get the Indians all stewed up the plain fool way you acted.
You mangy dog.
Why you!
I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

PALADIN
That’s enough, N.G. Now you’re going outside with us and tell Harry exactly why this is all your fault.
What do you mean, my fault?

PALADIN
I don’t have to explain that to you. They’re in no mood to listen to reason now.

PALADIN
Because you’ve got them all drunk and fired up.

All right. It was a mistake. But if I take the blame now, they’ll kill me.

PALADIN
If you don’t, I’ll kill you.
Hold it.
You kill any one
of them
and the word will reach
every lodge in this region.
There won’t be an Indian within 500 miles
not wearing war paint.
Send out Crazy Clothes!
Crazy Clothes!
You get out there
and tell them to stop it.
I can’t stop them.
They want him!
Send out Crazy Clothes! Crazy Clothes!
War or no war, we ain’t going to stand for this. Besides, we got kids at home.

PALADIN
That won’t be necessary. What do you think you’re doing?

I don’t have much choice, do I?

You can’t go out there, Jamie.

You don’t want someone to get killed, do you?
Or start a war?
Call it off, Harry.
We could have killed your braves
before this,
but that would mean a war.
You kill this man and the soldiers will come anyway and you don’t want that!
Harry, it’s even now. You were hurt before. This man has been hurt in return. It’s enough!
Harry, call it off! In a far distant land, this is the uniform of a brave man.
It is, Harry. In that distant land, only a brave and honorable chief, a man of strength like you, can wear these clothes. See how he behaves? He doesn’t flinch.
Enough! He is brave, the crazy clothes.
I feel I owe you an apology, old man. I’m really dreadfully sorry. It was inexcusable.
You feeling better, Jamie?
I’m feeling fine. Fortunately, N.G. carried my size in stock.
Only brave and honorable men may wear this uniform.
Great and wise leaders.

PALADIN
That’s right.
Only me and this one.
No one else.

PALADIN
You’re a coward and a fool, N.G.
I don’t think you’ll be able to live that down in this neighborhood anymore.
I ain’t going anywhere, mister. These folks will stick with me. Ain’t that so?
Wait a minute! You can’t listen to him!

J
Well, I expect we better return to the ranch and pack.

412
00:23:36,764 –> 00:23:39,399
You can’t run off and leave me now, Jamie.
That ranch needs a man.

414
00:23:42,070 –> 00:23:43,503
Thank you for
that, Felicia,
but I’m afraid I have so
little to contribute out here.

416
00:23:46,473 –> 00:23:47,507
Except courage.
Without which,
there’d be nothing here.
You’re traveling alone.

419
00:23:57,085 –> 00:23:58,651
You know, I had an idea I might be. Supposing I mess things up again, spoil everything you’ve worked so hard to get out here?
Well, I don’t know how to say it, Jamie. You tell him, Paladin.

PALADIN
Well, James, you’ve been tested. You ring true. There’s no place in the world you can’t live if you just follow your natural instincts.

429
00:24:13,101 –> 00:24:15,202
That’s it, Jamie.

430
00:24:15,236 –> 00:24:16,603
I’ll stay.

PALADIN
Montana and you will both be the better for it.

432
00:24:22,343 –> 00:24:23,810
Bye.

INT. HOTEL CARLTON – DAY

P
Hey Boy.

HEY BOY
Mr. Paladin! Hey Boy
very happy
to see you so quick.

PALADIN
Thank you.
Anything new
since I’ve been gone?

HEY BOY
Oh, no. Everything
very quiet.
Very quiet now.

PALADIN
Good. That’s
exactly what I…
Hey Boy, sometimes
you baffle me.
Did you say nothing new?

HEY BOY
Nothing, Mr. Paladin.
You tired?
Me bring you something?

PALADIN
Yeah. Champagne.

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