49-“The Lady”

Directed by Andrew V. McLaglen, Written by Shimon Wincelberg.

Patricia Medina as Diana Coulter
Robert Karnes as Rancher
George Richardson as Chief’s Son
Earl Parker as Indian

If you insist on doing it this your way, I can’t stop you.
But when you start shooting, remember one thing, Save one bullet for yourself.

INT. HOTEL CARLTON LOBBY – DAY

PALADIN
Hey boy, there’s no perfume on this. Sure a lady gave it to you?

HEY BOY
She’s plenty lady, you bet.

PALADIN
“Dear sir, excuse me, “I’m given to understand that you’re available for hire as a guide and interpreter. If such is the case, kindly present yourself at room 419 this morning, at ten o’clock. Honorable Diana Coulter.” Now, where do you suppose she got such an idea about me?

HEY BOY
She asked me.

PALADIN
And what else did you tell her?

HEY BOY
I told her you are good with a gun play. Also, class A-1 gentleman, and never look at ladies.

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00:01:33,809 –> 00:01:39,814
Who exactly is the person that needs such horrible assurances about me?

HEY BOY
She’s very attractive, but very touchy in the head. She come from little island, everything American very strange.

PALADIN
What island?

HEY BOY
I don’t know name, But very barbarian, I bet you. You know what she order for breakfast? Kidney! She no lady I think.

PALADIN
The small island of Britain. Oh, ten o’clock. I may as well present myself. Thank you very much, Hey Boy. And next time, ask me first.

INT.

DIANA COULTER
Come in, please. Oh, are you the guide?

PALADIN
I’m the man you sent the note to.

DIANA COULTER

Good. Are you familiar with the interior?

PALADIN
Interior of what?

DIANA COULTER

Of your
own country, naturally.
Do you know
the territory of Arizona?

PALADIN
Do you mean, have I heard of it,
or do I know how to find it.

DIANA COULTER
I mean, can you guide me
to a place called ‘Ship Rock’.

PALADIN
I think so.

DIANA COULTER
I never met a guide who admitted
ignorance of anything yet.

PALADIN
Then why ask?

DIANA COULTER
The oriental boy said you claimed
some familiarity with firearms.
Tell me, ever seen
one of these?

PALADIN
That’s a Martini Henry.
I didn’t know they
sold them to civilians.

DIANA COULTER
My uncle commands a regiment,
the Bangor Lancers.
He insisted I bring it along to
protect myself from the savages.
People have such fantastic
ideas about your country.
My brother has a plantation in
the vicinity of ‘Ship Rock’.
It’s what you people
would call a ranch.
I’m going there to live with him.

PALADIN

Why? I don’t mean to be personal, But that’s a pretty rugged part of our country.

DIANA COULTER
He’s the only immediate
relative I have left.

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00:03:31,393 –> 00:03:34,628
In England, a spinster of my
station hasn’t much choice.

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However, that’s neither
here nor there, I need a guide.

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00:03:37,766 –> 00:03:39,100
Tell me, do you
have a character?

PALADIN
I beg your pardon?

DIANA COULTER
References.

PALADIN
Some people seem
to find this satisfactory.

CARD

DIANA COULTER
Paladin. The legendary knight of Charlemagne.
Anyone can print cards.

PALADIN
Oh? Well, if you should change
your mind, send me another letter.

DIANA COULTER
One moment, please?
We leave at six o’clock
tomorrow morning.
You get two dollars per diem, plus a
five dollar bonus on my safe arrival.

PALADIN
I don’t suppose you could make
that a little bit more?

DIANA COULTER
Sir, I am not
accustomed to haggling.
Uh, how much more?

PALADIN
Say, fifty dollars a day?

DIANA COULTER
Do you realize that in India, for 2 Rupees a day, I could get 2 elephant’s plus an experienced Shakari to take me tiger hunting?

PALADIN
But America is no longer a colony.

DIANA COULTER
I do need to get started. Would you take five dollars a day?

PALADIN
Madame, I am not accustomed to haggling. Make it forty.

DIANA COULTER
Well…I don’t suppose you’re any worse than the next fellow. Very well, you’ll do. Thank you, goodbye.

EXT. ON THE TRAIL – DAY

DIANA COULTER
I’d like to bathe. We’ll rest here for an hour.

PALADIN
That water’s ice cold, it’s just melted snow from the mountain.

DIANA COULTER
Good. And it’s likely to be clean, isn’t it?
What are you waiting for?

PALADIN
Well I hardly think this is a safe place to leave you alone.

DIANA COULTER
You may wait for me on the other side of that hill.
I trust we understand each other?

PALADIN

No, I don’t think we do.

DIANA COULTER
What does that mean?

PALADIN
This is Comanche war paint and it’s not quite dry.

DIANA COULTER
What’s that got to do with us?
We haven’t done them any harm.
Now, please wait
for me over there.

PALADIN
I’ll give you five minutes.

DIANA COULTER
Paladin?

PALADIN
What!

DIANA COULTER
May I say, that I have been most favorably
impressed by your behavior until now.

PALADIN
Thank you.

DIANA COULTER
Don’t give me cause
to change my opinion of you.

PALADIN
Well, I’ll do my best to control
the bestial side of my nature.

PALADIN
Miss Coulter!

DIANA COULTER
One more step
and I’ll fire.

PALADIN
Miss coulter, there are comanches out there
and they may head this way at any moment.

DIANA COULTER
Will you please turn around
until I’m finished dressing.

PALADIN
Hurry it up!

DIANA COULTER
Why are you so anxious
to avoid them?
Don’t you realize that running away
is bound to make the worst impression.

PALADIN
Miss coulter, when the comanches are
at war they are every bit as unpleasant
As the tribesmen on india’s
northwest frontier.
Or have you forgotten the khyber pass
uprising of the black hole of calcutta?
Now, at your brother’s ranch, I’m sure
you’ll find a much better class of indian.

DIANA COULTER
Mr. Paladin,
will you put me down.
Well, in that case…

EXT. ON THE TRAIL – DAY

PALADIN
Good morning.
Nice piece of land
you’re abandoning.

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Don’t we know it. But we’d a sight sooner start somewhere’s else from scratch, Then stay here minus our scalps.

PALADIN
What about your neighbors?

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00:08:53,081 –> 00:08:56,050
Take a ride down that way about 4 miles. Best neighbor a man could have…’till last night. You wouldn’t think the smell of fire carried 4 miles, would you? Woke us right out of bed. But it wasn’t the fire we were smelling, it was burning flesh.

PALADIN
Ship rock is further on.

PALADIN
Comanches? what do you suppose
put them on the war path?

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They say a couple of drunken
prospectors run over a squaw.
What kind of reason is that for
going around killing people?

PALADIN
That’s about as good a reason
as you’ll find in this country.
Well, good luck,
we better be moving on.

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Where you headin’?

PALADIN

The ladies
brother has a ranch at ship rock.
I wouldn’t take a step
in that direction.
No sir, not for any
money in the world.
Unless I had a regiment
of u.S. Cavalry in front of me.

DIANA COULTER
You think I could bear
not knowing if he’s safe?

PALADIN
All right…Good luck.

EXT. CAMP

PALADIN
Miss coulter, if you insist on volunteering for guard duty, would you mind staying awake, and pointing that in another direction?

DIANA COULTER
I’m very sorry.

PALADIN
Here…
Should I walk in my sleep,
you can wake me with this.

DIANA COULTER
Don’t try and be funny.

PALADIN
Good night.

DIANA COULTER
Good night.

EXT. RANCH – MORNIGN

DIANA COULTER
You’re sure this is the right place?

PALADIN

Yes.

DIANA COULTER
Perhaps they’re all
inside for dinner.
The crop I sent timmy for his birthday. Richard?

PALADIN
Diana.

PALADIN
Must’ve happened in a moment, they didn’t even have a chance to hide.
We’ve got to get out of here. They may be back any moment with the whole tribe.
Sometimes only the chief can distribute the spoils.

DIANA COULTER
They must be buried.

PALADIN

There isn’t time, diana. Not even for that.

DIANA COULTER
They will receive a proper burial.

PALADIN
If we wait here to bury them, There might be six graves instead of four.

DIANA COULTER
I will not leave here until they receive a proper burial.

PALADIN
All right.

We brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.
The lord gave, and the lord hath taken away.
Blessed be the name
of the Lord, am…

Paladin is shot with an arrow.

DIANA COULTER
How will you keep from crying out?

PALADIN

By thinking of my scalp. All right. Thank you. Well…They probably got tired of waiting for us to come back for our horses. Better go up and take a look.

DIANA COULTER
Oh, please don’t leave me alone.

PALADIN
I’ll knock before I come through that trap door. If anybody opens that trap door without knocking…

You fire this rifle, and neither one of us gets out of here alive.
In a half hour this place would be so full of comanches…

DIANA COULTER
I keep thinking about samson, about to bring
the roof down on his enemies, crying out,
“let my soul perish with the philistines.”
What have I got left to live for?

PALADIN
Well, you’d know better about that than I. But Samson was blind, in chains, short of his strength. I don’t think your situation is quite that desperate. Nor is mine, unless you fire this rifle.

DIANA COULTER
I’m going…

PALADIN
All right…Here…Take this.
When you’re out of ammunition,
Use it on yourself
when they come closing in.

DIANA COULTER
What about you?

PALADIN

I’m not at
war with the philistines.
My job was to bring you here,
and the job is done.

DIANA COULTER
The job is done
when I say it’s done.
You were paid until tomorrow.
Paladin, please stay.
I’ll do as you say.

PALADIN
I don’t think I would’ve gotten very far anyway. We better hide down that cellar until these indians settle down.
Give me a hand.
Diana. Diana, it’s gonna be all right. It’s gonna be all right. You can talk to me.
Tell me, decided what you’re gonna do?

DIANA COULTER
What do you mean?

PALADIN
About going back
to England, or to india?

DIANA COULTER
I don’t know. I suppose I could find something to do here in america. I’m thirsty.

PALADIN
All right…It’s time to move anyway. Maybe there’s some water in the kitchen.

DIANA COULTER
I’ll go and get some water. You stay here, I’ll get it.

PALADIN
See that? Indians have tethered our horses with theirs. Those horses haven’t been watered for two days, And I know those braves haven’t bothered to give them any water.
You get me some of your brothers clothing…
Hya-ha!

PALADIN
Now there’s a man who doesn’t know when he’s through.
He hasn’t a chance of reaching us, you know.

DIANA COULTER
Then what keeps him going?

PALADIN

Hatred. Hatred in a dying man may be excusable, But among the living, it can become an intolerable thing. It never gives it’s victim a moments peace.

DIANA COULTER

Let’s get out of this place.

INT. HOTEL CARLTON

PALADIN

Good morning.

DIANA COULTER
Good morning.

What do you want for breakfast, mr. Paladin?

PALADIN

We’d like grilled kidneys and strong tea.

Did I hear right?

PALADIN
You hear right.

H

Where shall I serve this stuff?

PALADIN

Well now, we don’t want to offend his sensibilities, do we?

DIANA COULTER

It’s amazing how much you’ve learned. Thank you.

PALADIN

Send it to my sitting room, hey boy.