81-“Les Girls”

Director: Andrew V. McLaglen. Writers: Gene Roddenberry, Herb Meadow (creator)

MABEL ALBERTSON as Madame Chalon. HELENE STANLEY as Yvonne
ROXANE BERARD as Cecile (as Roxanne Berard). DANIELLE DE METZ as Annette
LANE CHANDLER as J. Brodie. DALLAS MITCHELL as Tom
HAL NEEDHAM as Mac. CAROL HENRY as Alfred. BOB HOPKINS as Lyman

The title is from the Cole Porter musical Les Girls

Madame, that shotgun is actually a rifle,
And it must be cocked and loaded before you can kill me,
As any good barbarian would know.

HEY BOY
Paladin find joke?

PALADIN
Joke, hey boy? Thank you.
It says, “bend-in-the-river, Oregon. Scarcity of women creates a new type of rustling. mail-order wives, brought in at great expense, are being wooed and married by bachelors, who intercept the stage coaches before arrival. J. Brodie, prominent rancher, has declared war on these wife poachers.”
A joke, hey boy, or perhaps a job.
“Mister…J. Brodie…”
Hold my mail until I return, hey boy.

HEY BOY
Oh, isn’t that Mr. Lyman? He rents wagons and supplies.

PALADIN
I believe it is.

MR. LYMAN
Oh, pardon me, Madam. Miss. Uh…
Mr. Paladin? They’re off! Those women you would escort to Brodie?
Well, they’re gone! And I…Oh, there’s one of those pains again.
Where, where’s my pills? Oh, you have no idea what a day I’ve had today.
A wagon load of immigrants lost. How in the world can you misplace a…?

PALADIN
Sh, Mr. Lyman. I hired a wagon from you to transport some mail-order brides
To bend-in-the-river, Oregon.

MR. LYMAN
Mm!

PALADIN
Now, where are the women and where is the wagon?

MR. LYMAN
Oh, well, the women arrived alright, you see.
And they got into the wagon and they took off…

PALADIN
Hey boy, put that stuff in the saddle bags. Thank you, mr. Lyman.

MR. LYMAN
You’re gonna earn your $1,000, Mr. Paladin.

PALADIN
Hey boy! Bye, Mr. Lyman.

MADAME CHALON
please, force your animal to desist.

PALADIN
Animal, desist!

MADAME CHALON
Please now, to, to disembark. Disembark!The animals in this country are as barbaric as the people. They refuse to obey even the most simplest function.

PALADIN
Well, madam, it looks to me as if someone had instructed those animals right into a hole.

MADAME CHALON
You will now assist my wagon from this position.

PALADIN
Your wagon, madam? Would you care to see the lease on that wagon?
Or the letter from Mr. Brodie instructing me to deliver a certain cargo to bend-in-the-river? Perhaps if those will have no effect on you, This will.

MADAME CHALON
Paladin! What is this madness? I do not want you.
It is this miserable man, he insist. I want only this-this stupidity on wheels.
I warn you, monsieur, every centime I own is in this wagon. And I share my profit with no one.

PALADIN
Rest assured, madam, I’m being more than adequately paid by Mr. Brodie
To deliver you to bend-in-the-river.

MADAME CHALON
Mr. Brodie?

PALADIN
To bend-in-the-river. That is your destination.

MADAME CHALON
Bend-in-the-river? Ah, oui! Oui! Of course, you are going to bend-in-the-river.

PALADIN
And now, we’ll just, uh…

MADAME CHALON
I warn you, monsieur. I am expert with the shotgun.

PALADIN
Well, madam, that presents something of a problem, since you’re holding a rifle.

MADAME CHALON
Ah! I am even more expert with the rifle.

PALADIN
Well, shotgun or rifle, It has to be cocked before you can fire it.

MADAME CHALON
It is not prepare?

PALADIN
voilá, prepared. Discharged. And in any event, you’d have to load the gun
before it could fire. As any good barbarian knows.
Ho, now, back! Back! Back! Come on! Ha! Ha! Ha! Now back! Back! Back, come on!
Back! Go! Ho! Hut! Back to me, and…Go! Ha-ah, ha! Ho!
Madame will consent to join us? And don’t you think it’s about time I met the brides?

MADAME CHALON
The brides? Ah! The brides. You promise discretion, eh?

PALADIN
Well, madam, with all due respect to mail-order brides,
I think I can safely promise discretion, yes.

MADAME CHALON
Annette!

ANNETTE
You have a very strong voice, monsieur. Could you not see me trembling?

MADAME CHALON
Cecile.

CECILE
You see, monsieur, I emerge like a tulip. Blooming under your warm gaze.

MADAME CHALON
And last, yvonne.

YVONNE
Last, but I assure you, monsieur, never least.

PALADIN
I’m sure.

MADAME CHALON
We go to a place, monsieur, Where the loneliness cuts at a man like a knife.
Does monsieur think we will be welcome?

PALADIN
Madame, I can only assure you, If I ever order a mail-order bride,
It will be from your catalogue.

MADAME CHALON
ah! Voilá!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

MADAME CHALON
Il est trés bon. Trés bon.

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00:08:51,013 –> 00:08:53,347
whoa, now. Whoa.

A
Ah, catch me, monsieur.
Oui, madam.

MADAME CHALON
Now, we will not neglect our duties. There is the coiffure to arrange.

ALL GIRLS
oui, madam.

MADAME CHALON
There is the complexion
to be treated.

ALL GIRLS
oui, madam.

MADAME CHALON
And, so… First, we will-

ALL GIRLS
“beauty begins with cleanliness,” madame.

PALADIN
That is a sentiment of which I heartily approve. However, first we have horses to unharness, Gear to unload, and a camp to set up.

MADAME CHALON
You say you’ve been employed to transport us, monsieur? If that is the custom, Please to commence your duties.

PALADIN
Well, we have another custom based on the hardships of travel, madam,
On the trail, everyone, man or woman, does a full day’s work.

MADAME CHALON
The excuse, monsieur, of the uncivilized men Who force their women to labor like animals.

PALADIN
Madame, ahead of us are 200 of
the hardest miles in this country.

MADAME CHALON
We have an old saying in France, monsieur.
When the servant is given the weapons,
He begins to act like the master.

PALADIN
Madame.

Y
Oh, merci, monsieur.

PALADIN
Madame, we have an old saying in this country, too. Captain john smith said it first.
“All stomachs are equal. Those who work, eat.”

MADAME CHALON
A simple proverb, monsieur, For simple minds.

A
Another sandwich, madam. I’m still hungry.

MADAME CHALON
This food that I’ve purchased must last for three days.

A
Mr. Paladin says the journey will require ten.

MADAME CHALON
Ah, he is lying. I have made this trip many times myself in Europe.

A
He roasts meat over his fire.

Y
Oh. It becomes cold.

MADAME CHALON
Is it not fortunate? I have also bring the wine.

Y
Ah, too vinegar. Like the other bottle.

MADAME CHALON
Ah, in France it would’ve been good for a week.

A
In cascania, where I was born, At harvest time, we all work together.

Y
In my village, too. Ah, oui? Ah, the air was clean, just like here.

A
Such appetites we grew.

Y
Perhaps we should do as he asks, madam?

MADAME CHALON
Never. Before we are finished, I will bring this man to his knees. I promise you.

PALADIN
Biscuits a’la paladin, madam. Crude, unsanitary. In some aspects, even uncouth.
But I think you will find it also delicious. Following which, we will commence our lessons in wagon unloading and camp-site preparation. Can you handle that?

A
Allez!
Aya! Yay! Yay!

PALADIN
All right, cecile,
set the brake.

MADAME CHALON
Ah, I am finished.
For nearly a week now.
Ah! I cannot go on!

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00:14:30,402 –> 00:14:32,236
Monsieur paladin says
we are…

MADAME CHALON
Monsieur paladin? Monsieur paladin?! Must we start ever discourse with these words?

Y
Ah, but look how far we have come, madam. C’est magnifique!

MADAME CHALON
And please to examine this. The color of brown. Alors!

A
Look, madam, I’ve gained some, too.

PALADIN
I think we can afford to rest here.

MADAME CHALON
And please, please, where are your stays?

A
Oh, I threw them away, madam. Monsieur paladin…

MADAME CHALON
You have discard your stays?
Of the finest whale bone purchased in the finest shop of old paris?!

PALADIN
But, oddly enough, madam, they all seem to be gaining a little.
And in this bright sunlight…

MADAME CHALON
I hope you realize something, monsieur paladin. You are ruining me! I, madame chalon, whose training is famous throughout France! Whose students have played for the sons of kings!
Do you realize what you’ll do to me?

PALADIN
Well, perhaps the sons of kings Would object to a little muscle and suntan,
But the sons of mr. J. Brodie…

MADAME CHALON
Ah! Always you change
the subject.

PALADIN
Change the subject?
Madame, exactly why are you
going to bend-in-the-river?

MADAME CHALON
Well, monsieur brodie and his sons. Come. If we cannot be women in this savage country,
We will be the horses.

Y
Annette.

ANNETTE
Oui?

Y
They say that in this country, There is a great scarcity of women.

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00:16:35,159 –> 00:16:36,927
Oui.

Y
Monsieur paladin says, That men, sometimes,
Travel 100 kilometers to see one pass by!
And simple wives are treated as queens.

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00:16:51,726 –> 00:16:54,411
Only, they work very hard.

224
00:16:54,479 –> 00:16:58,616
Oh, to work hard is not so bad.
If for the right reasons.

226
00:17:03,755 –> 00:17:05,656
Ah, oui, c’est vrai.

227
00:17:05,724 –> 00:17:09,326
Bon soir.

228
00:17:11,229 –> 00:17:15,482
Madame?

MADAME CHALON
Oui? Que voulez-vous?

230
00:17:20,071 –> 00:17:24,174
Are all the men in this country like Monsieur Paladin?

MADAME CHALON
For this you are awake me? Ah!

A
He’s very strong, I think. You’re wrong about him. He’s intelligent. Still, at the same time, he has a simplicity. There were no men like this in paris.

MADAME CHALON
For which the french government can say prayers of thanks.
Now, go to sleep!
Ah!

la, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la!

MADAME CHALON
Trés bien, trés bien!

PALADIN
We’ll be there soon. I think it’s time you put your imports back under the canvas.

MADAME CHALON
You are afraid of this, this stealing of women?

PALADIN
That among other things. I’d just as soon be safe.

MADAME CHALON
If you think it is wise.

247
00:18:36,931 –> 00:18:38,598
oui, madam.

PALADIN
Now, go. Ha!
Come on.

MADAME CHALON
Monsieur, my hat!
Le chapeau, madam.

250
00:19:16,437 –> 00:19:18,438
Thank you very much.
My hat, monsieur.

PALADIN
Well…

252
00:19:23,144 –> 00:19:25,245
You can keep her, pop.

253
00:19:25,313 –> 00:19:27,647
Oh! Savage!

254
00:19:27,715 –> 00:19:31,485
You see any other wagons on the trail? With women in ’em?

PALADIN
No, we’re on our way from san francisco.

SON
Pop?

PAW
What’s the matter, boy?

258
00:19:42,196 –> 00:19:44,197
Did monsieur wish something?

SON
Yah-hah!

260
00:19:47,902 –> 00:19:49,903
Oh, monsieur!

261
00:19:49,970 –> 00:19:51,838
Monsieur. Oh, no!

PAW
Now, hold on, boys. No brodie never stole nothing. Ah, we’ll pay him.

PALADIN
Brodie? Is your name j. Brodie?

BRODIE
J. Brodie.

PALADIN
Well, mr. Brodie, my name is paladin, And voilá, here are your women.

BRODIE
Are you out of your mind?

MADAME CHALON
They are not his, nor yours, nor are they farm wives!

PAW
Those itty-bitty women?! Not by a long shot. Where was you yesterday?

SON
Supposed to bring us three school teachers from boston.
They ain’t never got to town.

PALADIN
Boston? Brodie…Who is she?

PAW
I never saw her before. Ah, my apologies, ma’am.

PALADIN
Madame?

MADAME CHALON
Well, I tried to tell monsieur lyman at the stage coach office.
He has his papers mixed. I am a different package from what he is obviously think.
This monsieur brodie, I have never hear of him.

PALADIN
But, madam, why did you allow me to bring you all the way to bend-in-the-river?

MADAME CHALON
Because it is where I wish to go. To, to open a salon.
Salon? Ah, you spell it differently, huh?

PALADIN
Saloon. Madame, You might have said something.

MADAME CHALON
Well, I see how you push the wagon out of the hole. And you behave so fierce.
And I realize that we need someone, Someone with muscles and weapons To take care of us and to bring us here. So, I, I do not disenchant you.
And now, Monsieur Brodie, Which way is to bend-in-the-river?

PALADIN
Brodie, uh, wait a minute. Madame. Ladies, we camp here tonight? Now.
no, whoa, whoa.
Stand up, now.
Stand easy.

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00:22:36,921 –> 00:22:38,488
Merci, monsieur.

SON
Say, I’m sure glad they took them boston ones away from us.
I’ll marry any one of ’em.

MADAME CHALON
No! No, no, they do not marry with the poor farmer.

paw
They ain’t poor. And your girls ain’t bred for farm life, anyway.

MADAME CHALON
Monsieur paladin, help me!

PALADIN
Well, mr. Brodie’s just not interested.

BRODIE
Well, they’re good lookers and they’re talented, too. I’m changing my mind.
Paladin, suppose you consider you brought four ladies over the mountains.

MADAME CHALON
Four, monsieur?

BRODIE
Well, I, uh, I’m a widower, myself, And I mean, I ain’t exactly withering away with old age.

MADAME CHALON
Oh, well, of course, If they marry with these sons,
I am all alone in a strange country. N’est pas?

PALADIN
Why don’t you two sit down
around supper and talk it over.

BRODIE
And if it works out, paladin,
I’ll pay you the $1,000 anyway.

PALADIN
Mr. Brodie, as you pointed out, I brought four ladies. So if it works out, I’ll expect your check for $1,333… And 33 and a third cents. Excuse me.

MADAME CHALON
Oh, no. Monsieur paladin, he is leaving us. Au revoir, monsieur paladin!

A
Au revoir, monsieur paladin!

Y
Au revoir!

A
Au revoir!

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