90-“Champagne Safari”

Director: Andrew V. McLaglen, Writers: Frank Pierson (teleplay), Whitfield Cook (teleplay),

VALERIE FRENCH as Charity Trevington
PATRIC KNOWLES as Charles Trevington
LOU KRUGMAN as Antoine
WILLIAM MIMS as Bill Gravely (as Bill Mims)
GILMAN RANKIN as Chief Hiwani (as Gil Rankin)
CAROLE EVERN as Irmada – Servant

VALERIE FRENCH also appeared in: (Ransom, 1960) as Secura Celine.
PATRIC KNOWLES also appeared in: (Fogg Bound, 1960) as Phileas Fogg, (The Savages, 1963) as Werner August. WILLIAM MIMS also appeared in: (Trial at Tablerock, 1962) as Adams, (Sons of Aaron Murdock, 1959) as Man.

Paladin’s friend Gravely (William Mims) has a profitable business escorting dudes from the east on western adventures. He even has a deal with a local Indian chief (Gilman Rankin) for his braves to perform fake raids and provide a little excitement. But when one of the traveling tourist party is killed by an Indian arrow, everything changes.

PALADIN
It’s certainly a novel approach to the part, I must say.

ACTOR
What do you think? “But I am so far in blood that sin will pluck on sin! Tear-falling pity dwells not in this eye.” Or still a bit too thin on the sauce for Richard? Hmm?

PALADIN
Well, uh, perhaps a bit.

ACTOR
Curtain’s at 8:00.

PALADIN
Thank you. “Oh, it offends me to the soul to hear a robustious periwig-pated fellow tear a passion to tatters.”

HEY BOY
Telegram, Mr. Paladin. Mr. Gravely again. He crazy. Make you go hunting with him.

PALADIN
Hey boy, I wish somebody’d send you some mail sometime so you wouldn’t have to read mine.

HEY BOY
No. Your mail make me practice good “Engrish.”

PALADIN
“Engrish”?

HEY BOY
Mm-hmm.

PALADIN
“See today’s dispatch regarding Indian killing. Come immediately. Gravely.”
Hey boy, get me a copy of today’s dispat-

Hey Boy gives Paladin the newspaper.

PALADIN
“hitherto, peaceful hawani indians yesterday raided a hunting party led by william gravely, esq., Killing one of the party before being driven off by gunfire.”

HEY BOY
Very dangerous hunting in Indian country.

PALADIN
Well, hey boy, you had better pack the saddlebags.

HEY BOY
All ready to go. Now you hunt murderer, not just only “buffaros.”

PALADIN
“Buffaros.” Well, I’m afraid so, Hey Boy.

HEY BOY
Ho sai gai, Mr. Paladin

PALADIN
Ho sai gai!

EXT. ON THE TRAIL -DAY

Paladin sights the camp and goes down to investigate.

ANTOINE
(angrily speaking French)

PALADIN
(speaking French in reply)
We are civilized men in a barbarous country, no?

CHARLES TREVINGTON
I say, you’re a bit of a roughneck, aren’t you?

PALADIN
What are you people afraid of?

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Indians. Countryside’s alive with screaming wogs. They killed one man already.

PALADIN
This is the gravely party?

CHARLES TREVINGTON
You’ve heard about us? I never did like the ruddy fellow anyway. I like him even less now he’s lying down on guard duty. Antoine, get up. You’re fired. He’s not a Wog. Can’t you see that? Now, go back and wash up.

PALADIN
Wog?

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Indians. Savages.

PALADIN
How can you tell I’m not some other sort of a “wog”?

CHARLES TREVINGTON
No, you’re not a wog. You’re a gentleman. Always tell. Speak French fluently.

PALADIN
With a bad accent.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
I’ll say one thing for the Wogs. They’re ruddy efficient when it comes to a bow and arrow. Look. Poor old Roddy was sitting on the cliff looking for buffalo and a Wog stuck him with
an arrow from across the wadi. Hundred yards, I’d say. Good shot with a rifle. Poor old Roddy, never got a word out. Toppled off the cliff. Dead before he hit bottom.

PALADIN
Roddy was a friend of yours.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Oh, not really. Distant cousin. I wonder. I’ve never hunted with a bow.
Do you suppose I could learn?

PALADIN
To stick Roddy with a bow and arrow at 100 yards?
It might take some time for you to learn that well.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
What? Oh. Oh. Uh… I suppose you think I crossed off Roddy lightly. Not so.
Always hanging about, Roddy. Children together. Parents both dead, you know.
I do sort of miss him, now you mention it. I say, will you stay for dinner?
We have an extra sitting since Roddy died.

PALADIN
Thank you very much.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
By the by, my name’s Trevington.

PALADIN
Paladin.

EXT. IN THE TREVINGTON CAMP – DAY

PALADIN
Certainly an interesting camp. It’s unfortunate you’ve had this trouble.

INT. THE DINING TENT – DAY

CHARLES TREVINGTON
At first the Indians seemed contented enough Just to ride about, shouting and waving.
Then all this business. Omenda, the sherry, please.
PALADIN
Where’s gravely?

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Guy? He’s off scouting buffalo for tomorrow. Fine sack. Imported himself from Spain.
Travels rather well. Ah, charity, my dear. This is my sister. Charity Trevington,
Mr. Paladin.

PALADIN
It’s a pleasure.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Paladin. How very odd. Charles, we won’t wait for Gravely.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Mr. Paladin’s taking Roddy’s place at the table.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
You’ve asked him for dinner?

CHARLES TREVINGTON
I’ve asked him to join our party. He put down that Frenchman as though he were a boy.
We need a good chap with the Wogs about.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
He hit Antoine?

PALADIN
I’m not accustomed to being held at gunpoint…Nor to being addressed in the third person.

CARD

CHARLES TREVINGTON
I say, you make a business of it?

CHARITY TREVINGTON
You’re that friend of Gravely’s, aren’t you?

PALADIN
I was supposed to come on this expedition, but other business prevented it.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
So now you’ve just come wandering through tribes of hostile Indians, just by chance,
And happily drop in for dinner.

PALADIN
Madame, in the last 100 miles, I’ve seen exactly three Indians, And they turned and ran
at the sight of me.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
They ran? You’re just the chap we need. Name your price.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Since Mr. Paladin is staying for dinner…Omenda? Will you show this gentleman to my bath tent? I’m sorry if I seemed inhospitable, Mr. Paladin, but Charles does have a habit of inviting stray people, and we have had a difficult time. We shall wait dinner for you.

PALADIN
You’re very kind.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Where’s Antoine?

CHARLES TREVINGTON
That cheeky lout. I’d like to give him the boot,Pay him off tomorrow.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Tomorrow.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
After we’re done with the shoot, my dear. Might need him in the A.M.

INT. BATHING TENT

PALADIN
“Short History of the Borges”, “The Women Behind Napoleon”,  “Care and Cleaning of Guns”, “Poisonous Mushrooms and Strange Tortures of Southeast Arabia”. Ehh.

BILL GRAVELY

All right! All right! I know he’s in his birthday suit! Behold his worship in his bath!

PALADIN
Gravely, will you tell me what this is all about?

BILL GRAVELY
I’ve been a guide man and boy for 20 years. And I thought I knowed how to run a hunting trip. But this Trevington’s got a natural talent for it. Music with dinner, champagne.
I wish I’d thought of it.

PALADIN
What’s this about the Hawanis killing Trevington’s cousin?

BILL GRAVELY
That’s it. I paid ’em regular for years to stage these raids. “just hoop it up,” I says to Inahata. “ride around the camp twice, “fire off 200 rounds of ammunition, 50 arrows,
And get out.” Everything went fine. Yeah, but… But this.

PALADIN
You sure it was the Hawanis? I’ve ridden with them. I know Inahata.

BILL GRAVELY
Who else? I know their arrows when I pull them out of a feller.
Say, uh, they know why you’re here?

PALADIN
No, and let’s keep it that way.

BILL GRAVELY
I don’t know what that Inahata thinks he’s doing. I tried to find him. He’s hid out somewhere, I guess. Afraid of the cavalry. Meantime, we been guarded in here And doing some hunting by day till we can find a safe way to get this mob out of here. You know, Indians on a warpath make a hash out of all this.

PALADIN
Gravely.

BILL GRAVELY
Yep. All right. Mum’s the word. I’ll see you at the table.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Omenda, more champagne.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Charles, we have guests.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
I know we have guests, my dear. I’m not a child.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Of course not, my dear. Mr. Paladin, will you have some more wine?

CHARLES TREVINGTON
And don’t change the subject. I won’t have you correcting me in front of my friends.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Do be calm.

PALADIN
Well, if one must go hunting, This is certainly the way to do it.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Yes. Of course, Charles is making Gravely a rich man.

BILL GRAVELY
Nothing wrong about that, is there? I don’t complain about you being rich.
Why do you begrudge me my little bit?

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Because nothing has gone right on this incredible trip. No buffalo, the indians killed roddy, And the price of everything is going up and up.

BILL GRAVELY
Ma’am, are you insinuating something?

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Nothing at all. Except that if I wanted to swindle a very rich…And very stupid English lord, I should maroon him in a wilderness And charge him a ransom to get out.

BILL GRAVELY
You know, I could suggest something, too. If I were a little sister that wanted to
keep the Trevington title in the family, I’d see to it that cousin Roddy turned suddenly dead.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
I ask you, Paladin, Which are the hunters and which are the beasts? I’m a simple man, although little sister calls it stupidity. All I ask is, up in the dawn, A good straight shot at my great humpbacked beast. He and I understand. Drink to it?

Antoine! Where are you, you filthy beast?
What are the signs for tomorrow, Antoine?

ANTOINE
Very good. You get the buffalo tomorrow.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Antoine, my friend, Did you have enough to drink? Are you happy?

ANTOINE
You come to sleep, Monsieur, my lord. And in the morning, we’ll get lots of buffalo.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Night-night!

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Charming pair. You understand them. I wish you’d explain them to me.

PALADIN
What did Gravely mean about the Trevington title?

CHARITY TREVINGTON
What does it matter?

PALADIN
Well, He obviously doesn’t believe the Hawanis killed your cousin.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
No, I suppose he thinks that, uh, I or my brother or Antoine killed him.

PALADIN
Why would they kill him?

CHARITY TREVINGTON
I haven’t the faintest idea. I would kill Roddy, I suppose, because if Charles died,
Roddy would inherit the estates and the title. You see? I have nothing to hide.

PALADIN
Yes, I see.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Omenda.

PALADIN
That girl is Persian?

CHARITY TREVINGTON
No. Arabian. I saved her life when I was there. She’d had her tongue cut out
and was left to die.

PALADIN
A barbarous country, Arabia.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
A highly civilized one, too, in many ways. Cruelty can be a form of refinement, you know.

PALADIN
And I see you have strength of mind enough to make your own decisions.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
I’m flattered by your attention, Mr. Paladin. I would hardly suppose that a rugged man of the west, living by his wits would be interested in the mere mind of a woman.

PALADIN
Meeting a womanly woman with an unwomanly mind Is a very stimulating thing.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
I see you know how much I chafe against woman’s subdued position in the world.

PALADIN
If all women had your strength of mind, their position would be considerably different.
You could be the head of a country, an industry, great estates.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
You’re a very perceptive man.

PALADIN
“Show me the books a man doth read and I will name his crying need.”

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Who said that?

PALADIN
I did.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
What books do you imagine I read?

PALADIN
Oh, Shelley, treatises on lace-making, books on pet birds, perhaps.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Now you’re teasing me. You know me better than that.

PALADIN
I noticed your books in the bathtub.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
And what do you think is my crying need?

PALADIN
Power. You want power, estates, Money.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
I have all those things.

PALADIN
Only through your brother. And you want a title you can’t have as long as your brother lives. And when he marries, The title and everything that goes with it passes to his children.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Omenda usually prepares me a hot toddy in my tent. Will you join me this evening?

PALADIN
I think not this evening, thank you very much. Good evening, Miss Trevington.

INT. GRAVELY’S TENT – NIGHT

PALADIN
Come on, Gravely. Get up.

BILL GRAVELY
Ah! Oh, that woman gives me the nerves.

PALADIN
Well, I guess so. Gravely, were you just angry Or did you mean what you said about the estate?

BILL GRAVELY
I meant what I said. English law gives the estate to the male survivors. As long as there are any. If Trevington died while Roddy crane was still alive, he’d get it.

PALADIN
But as things now stand, she’d get everything.

BILL GRAVELY
I was just sore. Trevington told you how crane was killed. How could she shoot an arrow 100 yards? That lousy Inahata. When I get my hands on him, I’m gonna make the Deerfield
Massacre look like Christmas caroling.

PALADIN
Gravely, How could Inahata have…

BILL GRAVELY
It’s gonna be lousy for business. I know it.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Help! Help! Paladin, if I hadn’t leaned over to take my shoes off, The ruddy Wog would’ve
pinned me to the tent pole.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Mr. Paladin. Do you still think our Hawanis are friendly little Indians?

PALADIN
Bill.

BILL GRAVELY
What? I don’t know. The Hawanis used to be fighters. Just because they ain’t killed anybody in 10 or 12 years don’t prove a thing.

PALADIN
Get my horse.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
At this hour?

PALADIN
Trevington, We know they’re out there. Would you rather I wait until they’re gone?

CHARLES TREVINGTON
I hope he doesn’t do anything rash.

EXT. ON THE PRARIE – EVENING

INAHATA
Hey, paladin, put that away!

PALADIN
What do you expect? Arrows in the night. Sneaking around behind people.

INAHATA
Listen to me, Paladin. You tell those fool white men to stop making trouble.
They’re all time shooting. Riding like wild Indians. Drinking firewater. They’re dangerous.
We Hawani keeping out of way.

PALADIN
Gravely’s looking for you.

INAHATA
Tell Gravely our agreement is off, unless his white men behave themselves.

PALADIN
Gravely thinks that you killed a white man named Roddy crane.
He was killed with a bow and arrow.

INAHATA
Hawani have not killed any white man For 17 years. 16 years.

PALADIN
That’s an enviable record.

INAHATA
Hawani are not interested in killing. Only interested in making money.
We have a very good business now. Pretending to be Indians on the warpath.

PALADIN
Roddy crane was killed with a Hawani arrow.

INAHATA
You got? Mm. Souvenir arrows. We make them for sale. Tell Gravely price on arrows
is going up, too.

PALADIN
Gravely buy any arrows this trip?

INAHATA
No. French man, Antoine, buy.

PALADIN
How many?

INAHATA
Three.

PALADIN
Three. One in roddy crane, one in the tent, And thank you very much, chief.

INAHATA
Tell gravely if he wants arrows for killing, let us know next time. We’ll make apache arrows.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Back from the Indian war so soon?

PALADIN
Where are they?

CHARITY TREVINGTON

Have some breakfast?

PALADIN
Where are they?

CHARITY TREVINGTON
They’ve gone, of course. Charles is meeting his buffalo.

PALADIN
Antoine?

CHARITY TREVINGTON
With him.

PALADIN
Gravely?

CHARITY TREVINGTON
With them. It wasn’t the Indians after all?

PALADIN
Not unless Antoine has Indian blood.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Omenda, get me a horse.

BILL GRAVELY
I told you before. This ain’t the way I learned to hunt buffalo.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Be a good chap and humor me. It’s the way I shot water buffalo in India, african buffalo in Africa, And I see no reason to shoot American buffalo less comfortably.

BILL GRAVELY
What makes you think American buffalo are gonna cooperate? They ain’t used to being driven.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Oh, you’re a clever chap, you’ll think of something.

BILL GRAVELY
What you’re paying me, there ain’t nothing else to do but try.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Well, Antoine, all we have to do is wait. Give me a hand opening this.
There’s a good chap. Didn’t you bring any glasses?

EXT. PALADIN IS WAITING

Charity rides up to meet Paladin.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
What is the matter with you?

PALADIN
Not me. It’s you.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Me? What are you talking about?

PALADIN
I’m afraid you may be about to inherit the Trevington estates.

They both ride off.

We see Charles ready to shoot some buffalo while Antoine sneaks up on him with a bow and arrow.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
There they are. Buffalo. Antoine! Antoine, give me a hand setting up this blasted cannon.
You’re not going to shoot with that ridiculous weapon, are you?

ANTOINE
Not so ridiculous. Monsieur Roddy was killed at 100 yards with this instrument.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Antoine.

ANTOINE
Put down the rifle.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Well, congratulations, old boy. Jolly good shot. I never would’ve believed it.

ANTOINE
What is the matter with you? Why can you never be serious?

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Serious? I was never more serious in my life. I suppose you’re going to kill me with that thing. Not very sporting, you know. Point-blank range. Don’t do it for charity. She’s…

ANTOINE
Do not say her name, you pig!

CHARLES TREVINGTON
You want me to whine and beg? I won’t. You’ll have to kill me as I am.

Paladin and Charity ride up. Paladin draws his gun on Antoine.

PALADIN
Antoine, you haven’t got a chance.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
She’s not worth it, you know. She’s just a machine, Antoine. She’s nothing but a cold-blooded machine. As a Frenchman, you should’ve recognized that.

Charity shoots Antoine with a rifle.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
We were just in time. What were you waiting for?

CHARLES TREVINGTON
He’s dead.

PALADIN
He’d stopped. He wasn’t gonna shoot.

CHARITY TREVINGTON
How were you to know that?

PALADIN
I’m satisfied you shot a defenseless man. Why?

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Why? What’s the matter with you both? Why are you both staring at me? He killed rod-

CHARLES TREVINGTON
How did you know that, my dear?

CHARITY TREVINGTON
Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it?

PALADIN
How’d you get him to do it? Threats? Bribes?

CHARLES TREVINGTON
He was in love with her. Didn’t you know that? Poor thing, Paladin. She’s always thought that I wasted the family money on hunting and drinking. There are worse things I could’ve done with it. By the way, what are your laws on this sort of thing?

CHARLES TREVINGTON
Charles.

PALADIN
They very seldom hang a woman. I suppose she’ll have plenty of time to think about it.

CHARLES TREVINGTON
I imagine they’ll be just. Paladin, will you take care of her?
I’ll look after Antoine.