92-“The Naked Gun”

Monk, a grubby and somewhat eccentric cattle thief, latches on to Paladin in the hopes that he will protect him against Rook, a nasty and vicious trail boss.

Director: Andrew V. McLaglen, Writers: Jay Simms, Herb Meadow (creator)

KEN CURTIS as Monk, ROBERT J. WILKE as Rook (as Robert Wilke)
LANE CHANDLER as Lace, DALLAS MITCHELL as Kew, HAL NEEDHAM as Mabry
STEWART EAST as Rex

Ken Curtis also appeared in: (Pandora’s Box, 1962) as Lucky Laski, (Soledad Crossing, 1961) as Tom Strickland, (Love’s Young Dream, 1960) as Monk, (The Posse, 1959) as Curley. Robert J. Wilke also appeared in: (American Primitive, 1963) as Will Tybee, (Return to Fort Benjamin, 1960) as Maj. Blake, (Hunt the Man Down, 1959) as Walt DeVries, (The High Graders, 1958) as Casey Bryan. Lane Chandler also appeared in: (A Knight to Remember, 1961) as Bender – Landlord, (Ben Jalisco, 1961) as John Tay, (The Twins, 1960) as Sheriff, (Les Girls, 1959) as J. Brodie. Dallas Mitchell also appeared in: (Long Weekend, 1961) as Cowhand, (Les Girls, 1959) as Tom. Hal Needham was Richard Boone’s stunt double in 225 episodes of HGWT. This episode is a rare appearance as one of the cast. Stewart East played character roles in 27 HGWT episodes.

They’ll never stop talking about you, Rook.
A man so sure of his draw and his trick shooting,
He had to hang his opposition.

HEY BOY
Paladin, I brought you a telegram.

PALADIN
Portland, from John Euker Pierce. Poker game with man with gold mine. Pot now $6,000. Please join. Back my bets.”

HEY BOY
$6,000?

PALADIN
Pot 42,000. “somebody else’s railroad and his gold mine.
“my promissory notes for 15,000. No sleep ten days. Desperate.”
July 27th, Fortune awaits. Can’t stay awake much longer.”
He play poker for two weeks?

PALADIN
Hey boy, how does it happen that all the telegrams came together?

HEY BOY
Uh, storm knock down lines. All messages wait till fixed.

PALADIN

Pack the bags and take a message to John Euker Pierce in Portland, Oregon. “Since you’ve been awake for ten days, five days longer won’t be any harm to you. Am riding full speed to back your bets.”

PALADIN
Hello. Can I have a drink of that water?

ROOK
No. What are you doing around here?

PALADIN
I’m trying to get a drink of that water.

ROOK
You know what I mean when I ask you what you’re doing out here.

PALADIN
I’m on my way to portland. I’m two days behind schedule. I haven’t had time to do any hunting. I’d like a drink of water, And I’d be happy to pay you for one of those steaks.

ROOK
They’re not for sale.

PALADIN
Well, how would I get one?

ROOK
You wear your gun tied down like you use it once in a while. Pretty good with it?
How’s that?

PALADIN
That’s very impressive.

ROOK
I’d say so. And I say you don’t get no water and no beefsteak.

PALADIN
Now, this is my price for drawing my gun. You put your money where your big mouth is.

ROOK
You’d make a bet after seeing my draw?

PALADIN
You haven’t seen mine. I’d still be happy to buy one of those steaks.

ROOK
Your money’s no good.

Here’s your rustler, rook.

Hey!
Big bunch of bullies!

I had me a full house, monk!
Story of my life!

ROOK
Hi, monk. Where’s the other one?
Shot him.

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00:04:51,273 –> 00:04:52,940
Well, he shoved a skinning knife at me.

ROOK
Monk, I told you to find another herd to follow.

MONK
Wait a minute, rook! You know I ain’t never laid tongue to no beef you could use.

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00:05:04,220 –> 00:05:07,521
No, but we caught you taking the
Sunday suit off of one of our steers.

MONK
Well, that cattle I skinned…Just natural fell over.

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00:05:12,127 –> 00:05:16,698
Right after you give him a rap
behind the horns with a hatchet.

MONK
Look, he was plumb tuckered out. Them cattle got stampeded.

ROOK
Yeah, and I think I know who stampeded it.

PALADIN
If he stole cattle, take him to a sheriff.

MONK
Sheriff? Who is he? Why don’t he mind his own business? Now, rook, I want you to come
and see what I got. I want you to come to my camp And just see what a measly mean nothing I got. I got me a horse And a travois and 11 hides That I took off of poor critters
that just fell down dead. And that’s all.

ROOK
Lace, take this maggot far enough up the hill that I can’t smell him. Tie him up until I decide what to do with him.

MONK
Dadgum you. When I get loose, I’m gonna get you good. I’m gonna get you good.
Wait, will you. Give me some slack so I can get on my horse. Whoa! Can’t get on with my arms tied down, fool. Give me some slack!
All right, fool. Let me go by myself! Cut off the rope!

ROOK
“Take him to the Sheriff.” Mister, on a trail, a trail boss is sheriff, judge, jury, and hangman, too.

PALADIN
Your job ought to be easy…If you can find the right man to hang.
Ow! That hurts!

Get back there where I put ya. We’ll learn you to kill cattle.

don’t pull it so tight, lace!

Quit fightin’ at me, will ya!

Quit it! Ow! That hurts! Don’t pull it so tight, lace!

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00:07:41,126 –> 00:07:43,060
I want to get me some sleep tonight. You ain’t gonna slip out of this.

100
00:07:45,130 –> 00:07:49,900
You had no call to kill that old man.

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He didn’t have no call to throw that knife at mabry. Old rook’d like to hang you Just for thinkin’ about what you was gonna do.

MONK
Why are you fellas always picking on me?

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00:08:00,445 –> 00:08:03,547
This’ll hold you till morning. You’ll be here…

MONK
Now, what did you do that for?

PALADIN
I thought it was a little kinder than letting him try to shoot.

MONK
They’ll kill me for sure now. Things was going real good till you come along.

PALADIN
This is good?

MONK
They let me follow the herd, Taking the hides off of the sick’uns. Rook roughs me up once in a while, But he don’t mean no real harm.

PALADIN
I’m sorry to have interfered in your affairs Just when they were going so well. Do you want me to tie you up again before I go?

MONK
Go? You can’t leave me now. They’ll think I hit lace. They’ll really kill me for sure. Hold on. We’re going the same direction anyway.

PALADIN
Well, come on.

Well, how much farther?

MONK
Just a little piece. Out yonder is where old mabry jumped on us. Poor old uncle. Look at him just laying there.

PALADIN
That the man that mabry killed?

MONK
Yep. Sure is. He’s my uncle. Help me bury him.

PALADIN
Monk, in about an hour, rook and that whole crew Is gonna be all over this place looking for you.

MONK
Well, I can’t help that. It’s sentimental, kind of. He’s the onlyest man I ever knew that’s meaner than me, And you gotta respect a man like that. It’ll only take us a few minutes
with both of us digging. You can’t just leave him here to the buzzards.

MONK
Well, lord, I reckon you’ve got him now. I’d like to recommend him to you, but…I suppose I’ve got enough against me on your books now Without storying to you anymore. If you ain’t got him, forget it. On the other hand, if he is with you, Just don’t believe a thing he says.

We can make it to camp easy by dark.

PALADIN
Wait a minute. You euchred me into burying your uncle, But that is all the time I have
for you or your relatives or…

MONK
Hold on a minute. It’s on your way. You gotta eat. Just stop by, fill up, and we’ll
just go our separate ways. Rook and them’s still after me.

PALADIN
Well, hurry up.

MONK
It’s all right, mr. Pala-dine. We meet any of your friends, You can just pretend
I ain’t with you.

MONK
Better put some more tallow in there. I reckon you’re a better hand with a gun than you are with a skillet.

PALADIN
Hold the tallow. I don’t mind chewing the steaks. I don’t want to chew the gravy.

MONK
You’re a good one, ain’t you? Where you from anyhow?

PALADIN
San francisco.

MONK
You see that trick gun belt of old rook’s?

PALADIN
I saw it.

MONK
Can you outdraw that?

PALADIN
Don’t know.

MONK
If I had me a gun like yours, I’d fix old rook.

PALADIN
You’d get yourself shot.

MONK
How much you hire out for?

PALADIN
What for, to kill rook?

MONK
And lace and mabry.
They just like to hurt people.

PALADIN
Find another herd.

MONK
Sooner or later I’d hook on, And there’d be old rook or lace or mabry. Eleven hides is worth $33. I’ll give you all of them. That’s all I got.

PALADIN
I’m sorry.

MONK
Well…All I know is following trail herds.

PALADIN
I’m sorry, but I’m not gonna kill rook for you.

MONK
Well, what are you gonna do about me? You got me into this. The least thing you
can do is help me out.

PALADIN
I’m gonna get you off this range. I’m gonna do that much for you, and that’s all.
At that point, our paths separate. And find yourself another career, Like sweeping out barbershops.

PALADIN
Monk, you can go on alone from here. I gotta get some sleep.

MONK
No sirree. I’m staying with you.

Come on.
All right.

Come on.

PALADIN
What do you want?

MONK
Just fixin’ to get some firewood. I didn’t wanna wake you.

PALADIN
Well, go and do it.

MONK
Lace.

Look, he came back to get it. And he’s got a gun just like he knew what he was doing.

Don’t shoot him. Maybe we can have some fun with him.

MONK
Come on out, cookie. I got something for you, too.

PALADIN
Don’t you ever bathe?

MONK
I been busy. You’re gonna let cookie get away, and he’s gonna tell rook.

PALADIN
I’m starting to see Rook’s point of view. You just killed two men.

MONK
I was gonna arrest them for killing my uncle. They was fixin’ to escape.

PALADIN
You dig a hole and bury yourself for a few days Before rook finds you
and buries you for good.

MONK
Where are you going?

PALADIN
I’m going to Portland.

MONK
Wait just a minute, mr. Pala-dine. I don’t know how you live your life, But I gotta claw mine out of the sand and rocks With my fingernails. It’s just like rook always says,
“out here, a man is his own sheriff and jury and hangman.”

PALADIN
I’m gonna give you a head start, and that’s all. And that’s all, you understand?
This is the end. Now, you walk on the downwind side of me. Go on!

MONK
Well…Much obliged, mr. Pala-dine. You’ve been a real help to me. I’d like to pay you,
but all I got’s them skins. Well, so long. Good luck to ya.

ROOK
Well, hello, monk.

MONK
Rook, I can tell you.

ROOK
I reckon I’ll let you live just long enough To tell me how you busted away from Lace.

MONK
You seen Lace?

ROOK
You bet I’ve seen him. I fired him. Any man that can’t handle a sage rat like you just don’t belong.

MONK
What are you gonna do now?

ROOK
I’m gonna take you back to camp and have a little party. I don’t like being made a fool of.

MONK
Rook, I’m gonna tell you right out what I done. I shot Lace and Mabry.

ROOK
You what?

MONK
I walked right smack dab into that camp and shot both of ’em With the gunfighter’s gun.
He’ll tell ya. They killed my uncle, rook. I had to do something or fellers would be saying I was yellow.

ROOK
He let you use his gun?

MONK
Well, I took borrow of it. Catch up with him and ask him. He’ll tell you.

ROOK
Kew. Ride alongside of him.

KEW
But he stinks.

ROOK
I know he stinks. Ride alongside of him anyway. You can wash later.

Don’t touch it, mister. Keep your guns on him.

PALADIN
Well, monk, what did you tell him?

MONK
I told the truth. What else is there?

ROOK
Anything that monk says you can figure is a boldfaced lie.

MONK
I told the truth. I said I shot lace and mabry with your gun.

ROOK
I don’t believe it.

PALADIN
For once, he’s telling the truth.

ROOK
He done it? But you gave him your gun. What does that make you?
What’s that law word, a “successory” before something?

PALADIN
An “accessory” before the fact, If I had given him my gun or rented it to him. He stole it.

ROOK
What about that, monk?

MONK
That’s real. I stole it.

ROOK
I still don’t believe it.

PALADIN
You underestimate little monk.

ROOK
Yeah? Well, right now I’m gonna hang you to a low limb With just your toes off of the ground. Then I’m gonna sit in the shade and watch you. And after a while, I’m gonna do the same to you.

PALADIN
Rook, I had nothing to do with it.

ROOK
If you’re innocent and I hang you, I guess the joke’s on me.

Leave ’em be.

ROOK
I ought to shoot you… Or drown you. But I’d rather see you hang!
Get another rope. I’m gonna hang ’em both at the same time.

PALADIN
You said monk didn’t have the courage.

MONK
Rook, I had a right to…

ROOK
Shut up.

PALADIN
What’s the matter with you, Rook? Haven’t you got the courage to face me in a gunfight?

ROOK
You had your chance.

PALADIN
You’re so proud of that trick gun of yours…You haven’t got the nerve to face me in a gunfight. You’ve got to hang the opposition.

MONK
That’s just what I’ll say, rook.

ROOK
You ain’t gonna say anything.

PALADIN
Before you do anything, take a look at that card under my gun belt.

MONK
I’ll say you better take a look at it. This fella’s a big city gunman.

PALADIN
You’re gonna be famous, Rook. You’re gonna be famous. You’re the big man. You’re the big mouth that couldn’t face me in a gunfight. You had to gang up on me.

ROOK
Paladin, I can take you. Take that rope off of him. Give him his gun.

PALADIN
Rook, I’ve heard about holsters like that, those trick rigs. Swivel holsters. I hear they don’t always work. That one’s been wet. Been in the water. Been in the mud. You think it’s gonna work? Go on. You touch that gun butt, and you’re dead. Do you ever worry about
if it’s gonna work or not? You gonna come out a little bit hard, fire a bit high? Can you afford to find out if it’s gonna work, Rook?

ROOK
I can’t afford not to.

PALADIN
Now, anybody else? Wait a minute! Gonna take him with you?

L
We didn’t have much use for him when he was alive. Dead, we ain’t got no use for him.

MONK
Mr. Pala-dine. I gotta hand it to you. I think you’re even meaner than my uncle fred was.
Well, I guess there ain’t nothing for us to do But mount up and ride out for portland, huh?

PALADIN
Us? You know…You smell worse when you’re wet. This is the parting of the ways. This is the last thing I’m gonna do for you. But in the interest of suffering humanity, I’m gonna give you a bath.

MONK
Not on your old tintype, you ain’t!

PALADIN
Now, you scrub yourself!

MONK
How would a feller figure to get
to San Francisco, you suppose?