119-“Love’s Young Dream”

Pelt scavenger Monk returns to plague Paladin when Monk inherits 50% of the Barbary Coast’s swankest nightclub.

Director: Andrew V. McLaglen, Writers: Herb Meadow (creator), Sam Rolfe (creator)

KEN CURTIS as Monk
LORNA THAYER as Augusta. (Pandora’s Box, 1962) as Hanna – Woody’s Wife,
(The Prophet, 1960) as Serafina, (The Golden Toad, 1959) as Doris.
MIKE MAZURKI as Power. (Don’t Shoot the Piano Player, 1962) as Jo Jo,
(Ella West, 1958) as Breed. Kung Fu (Superstition, 1973) as Hannibal
GEORGE BARROWS as Bordelli’s Waiter
WAYNE BURSON as Bordelli’s Waiter. (Alice, 1962) as Man.
COSMO SARDO as Hotel Carlton Barber. 13 bit parts in HGWT.
BOBBY BARBER as Hotel Carlton Tailor. Bit actor since 1926.
HAL NEEDHAM as Bartender

The last time I met you we were almost hung, you hit me with a log,
you shot two men and you forced me to kill another. And now you say you’re sorry?

PALADIN
Hey Boy. Who are you talking to?

HEY BOY
Myself. He order black-eyed pea, hominy “gritis” and chili.

PALADIN
He must have a copper-lined stomach.

HEY BOY
You know soon enough. He is in your “loom.”

PALADIN
He who?

HEY BOY
He said you expect him. He have your card.

PALADIN
I go? He’s in my “loom”?

HEY BOY
Yes, your loom. You go.

PALADIN
I go.

MONK
Howdy, Mr. Paladine. Care for a kumquat? I don’t think you’d like them things.

PALADIN
You let him in here?

MONK
He did not. I snuck in.

PALADIN
Hey Boy. Out.

MONK
Watch out. Please, Mr. Paladine, you’re tearing my mendings.

PALADIN
Egad. Where did you get that?

MONK
I stole it.

PALADIN
If you fire that thing, you’ll blow both our heads off.

MONK
And that’s just what I’m fixin’ to do.
Now you listen to me and let me have my say and then I’ll leave.

PALADIN
Monk, the last time I saw you, you almost got us hung, you hit me in the head with a log, you killed two men and caused me to kill a third one.

MONK
I know that, and I’m sorry.

PALADIN
That what you came all the way to San Francisco for, to tell me you’re sorry?

MONK
Well, I am. I’m real sorry. I’ve came here to make up for it.

PALADIN
In language you can understand-I’m going to grab you by the tongue and snap you inside out.

MONK
Well, there. I thought you was my only friend.
I came here in the first place to see my Uncle Mort.

PALADIN
Why don’t you see him?

MONK
Well, I tried to, but he died before I could get here. It was like he know’d I was coming.

PALADIN
I wish I’d thought of it myself.

MONK
Uncle Mort was a real smart man. Writ out this piece of paper here that I brung to ya for you to read. You can read, can’t ya?

PALADIN
They tell you what this is?

MONK
No, they just handed it to me in that paper sack.

PALADIN
Paper sack.

PALADIN
Hm. Well, your Uncle Mort has left you a half interest in Bordelli’s.

MONK
Yeah, that was his name- Bordelli.

PALADIN
Oh, Monk, Bordelli’s is…

MONK
They wouldn’t even let me in the place. The purtiest woman I’ve ever saw in my born days had me flang right out in the road. So I just done the only thing I could-I just jumped up and come over to your house.

PALADIN
This is not my house. This is the Hotel Carlton, and you can’t stay here.

MONK
I’ll tell ya, this… San Francisco is a awful lonely ol’ town when you don’t know nobody.

PALADIN
Yeah. Well, Monk, let’s go back to Bordelli’s and see about your inheritance, hmm?

MONK
I know’d you’d help me out in my time of need.

PALADIN
Hey Boy, burn the sheets.

HEY BOY
Yes, Mr. Paladin.

MONK
Mr. Paladine, be careful now ’cause there’s a big feller in here that split the inside of my mouth when I was here before.

POWER
Come in, sir. Don’t mind him.

MONK
He’s with me.

POWER
But he ain’t welcome.

MONK
I about decided to fire you.

PALADIN
Monk. We’ve come to see Augusta.

POWER
She don’t want to see you.

PALADIN
Oh? Well, suppose you let her decide that for herself.

POWER
And you’ll go after it.

MONK
Yee-hah! Mr. Paladine, I saw pert near a hundred women in my life, and that one right there is the purtiest one I ever saw.

AUGUSTA
Mr. Paladin, you should be ashamed of the company you keep. Out!

PALADIN
Augusta, I think you should talk to him. Beneath that rough-hewn exterior there beats a heart of sweetest corn, and besides, he owns a half interest in this place.

AUGUSTA
Who says, his Uncle Mort?

PALADIN
Mm-hmm.

AUGUSTA
Listen, when I say play, the music plays. When I say sing, dance and enjoy yourselves, my friends enjoy. That’s the way it was when Mort was alive, and that’s the way it is now that he’s dead. Power, throw them out.

MONK
Uh-uh-uh. Hold on. Ma’am, it just ain’t right for anybody as purty as you are to see what I’m a-fixin’ to do to him. Why, you big ol’ mossy-horned moose! I’m gonna clobber you right ‘tween the horns!

AUGUSTA
He don’t fit in here. And these men will kill him if he keeps on trying.

PALADIN
Monk.

MONK
Please, Mr. Paladine. Cut it out! You’re getting me mad! No, no, you…mossy-horned…All right, now you did it.

PALADIN
Monk!

MONK
Ya failed me again. No! No!

PALADIN
Augusta, perhaps you’re right. Perhaps he doesn’t really belong here.

AUGUSTA
Well, you’re welcome anytime, Mr. Paladin.

PALADIN
Thank you.

MONK
Now if that ain’t the stupidest, orneriest, unreasonable-est, purtiest woman I ever seen, I’ll throw in with ya.

PALADIN
You smell like a cross between cooked cabbage and a wet Airedale. Come on.

PALADIN
Now you get into that bathtub.

MONK
Not on your old tintype, I won’t. Well, I hope you’re happy now.

PALADIN
Monk, hold still so he can shave that moss off your face. You look like a mush rat.

MONK
I usually shave it with my skinnin’ knife, but it dulls it so bad I don’t do it very often. If you fellers would quit squalli” like a bunch of geese, I got things to do. Mr. Paladine, how come you paying for all this?

PALADIN
‘Cause you’re going to join the human race whether you want to or not.

MONK
Well, the human race never cared much about me before.

TAILOR
Perfecto.

MONK
Well, I don’t look so bad when I get all duded up, do I?

PALADIN
How’s that?

MONK
It’s better than a jab in the eye with a sharp stob. Mr. Paladine.

PALADIN
Hmm?

MONK
Don’t you think my sleeves ought to be just a bit longer?

PALADIN
Monk, you never had a shirt in your life until tonight. It’s late. Come on.

MONK
What’d you say? That’s what I thought you said.

MONK
You hominy-headed, clobber-footed horned toad!

PALADIN
Monk…

MONK
I’ll stomp your eyeballs.

PALADIN
Monk, I do not have time to put you through an entire course of manners tonight.
So for the rest of the night, you imitate me and you start by imitating me keeping my mouth shut.

PALADIN
I had such a good time, I decided to come back.

WAITER
What’s your pleasure, gentlemen?

PALADIN
Dom Pérignon.

MONK
Can I have supper? I had dinner at breakfast.

WAITER
Certainly.

PALADIN
White whiskey for my friend. And will you ask the owner to join us please?

WAITER
Certainly.

PALADIN
Let me have the paper.

MONK
Aw, looky at her.

AUGUSTA
Mr. Paladin.

PALADIN
Augusta, will you join us?

AUGUSTA
By all means. What are you drinking?

PALADIN
Dom Pérignon and white whiskey for my friend.

MONK
You better sit down, ma’am. You’re liable to stick that a-way.

AUGUSTA
I don’t believe it.

PALADIN
Well, it’s true. This is a miracle of modern science and American plumbing.

POWER
You take the door.

WAITER
Right.

AUGUSTA
Power, you better bring me a white whiskey. I said now.

MONK
What’s botherin’ him? Is he mad at somebody?

PALADIN
Monk. Still, it’s not a bad question.

AUGUSTA
Woman alone- every muscle-bound clown with ambition thinks he can swindle, bully or just plain cheat her. I’ve been aiming to fire him for some time.
Just might get around to it. Now you-what’s your game?

PALADIN
It’s not a game. Monk’s uncle left him a half interest in this place.

AUGUSTA
What makes you think so?

PALADIN
Is that Mort’s handwriting?

AUGUSTA
Well, what if it is? Think I’m taking in some scruffy little crook who came in here looking like he had been in a wrestling match in a cow lot?

PALADIN
He can change, Augusta. He can learn. Look at him now.

AUGUSTA
Mr. Paladin, I clawed my way into this place. I made it into something I’m proud of. Mort was like an extra mortgage on the place. What do I want taking care of this- him?

MONK
Maybe I could help out somehow?

AUGUSTA
How? Paladin, that paper don’t mean a thing.

PALADIN
Augusta…this is the most popular place in San Francisco.
And you’ve worked really hard to make it that way.
Why do you want to tie this place up in a lawsuit that nobody can win?

MONK
If I had wings Like Noah’s doves I’d fly up the river To the one I love Fare-thee-well Oh, honey Fare-thee-well One of these days And it won’t be long You’ll call my name And I’ll be gone Fare-thee-well Oh, honey Fare-thee-well If I had wings Like Noah’s doves I’d fly up the river To the one I love Fare-thee-well Oh, my honey Fare-thee-well. ¶

PALADIN
Monk, that was beautiful. It’s all yours.

AUGUSTA
Where did you learn to sing like that?

MONK
Oh, fiddle, I can’t sing. I was just aping a fella I heard sing once in the medicine show.

AUGUSTA
That was pretty darn good.

MONK
Much obliged to ya. Hey, hold on there! That’s personal property! …turn me loose! I’m gettin’ mad!

AUGUSTA
Power, stop it!

PALADIN
That would be an extremely bad idea.

AUGUSTA
Power, you’re fired. And so are your roughnecks.

POWER
Mort Bordelli wasn’t man enough to fire me. I can’t think you are either.

PALADIN
Well, I think I am. And if I fire you, you won’t need a recommendation.
Now did you hear the lady?

POWER
Lady? Ha! I worked ten years here. Figure I got something more coming.

AUGUSTA
Where’s Monk?

PALADIN
You know, he won’t really be satisfied until he gets himself and me hung.
Come on. Hotel Carlton.

MONK
I’m looking for something. I don’t want you in my way at all.

PALADIN
Monk, what do you think you’re doing?

MONK
I’m looking for your gun. I got me a man that needs killin’.

PALADIN
You go after that man, you’re going to get yourself murdered.

MONK
Well, sooner or later, I got to tote my own load, Mr. Paladine. Everything I touch turns to mud. I swore I’d act decent. And what did I do? Went in, wrecked your saloon. Got you throwed out with me. Get me fine clothes-look at ’em. I ain’t even a very good fighter. Just kind of hard to whup ’cause I don’t care about getting hit. She knows. She’s seen it. I ain’t nothin’ but just a stinkin’ ol’ trail scavenger, used to getti” nothin’ but leftovers. Set my sights kind of high on you, Miss Augusta.

AUGUSTA
There’s nothing worse than a man feeling sorry for himself. You pull yourself together.

MONK
Well, where is that gun?

PALADIN
Monk. I’m afraid I’m going to have to handle this.

MONK
No…

PALADIN
Augusta, are you going to handle it?

AUGUSTA
I can’t.

MONK
Well, then I will.

PALADIN
Monk. Everybody on this Earth was created to handle certain specific problems.
Now this is my domain. Augusta, will you take him out in the other room and keep him out there?

AUGUSTA
I’ll keep him there.

PALADIN
Hey Boy, my gear.

WAITER
Power. Hey, Power, he’s here.

PALADIN
Power, that property doesn’t belong to you. It belongs to two friends of mine.
Now I’m offering you a chance to leave peacefully.
Power, I’m talking you, not to those two.

POWER
This is a duel. We can both have seconds.

PALADIN
You’ve got seconds and thirds.

POWER
And you have two or three seconds to raise your army.

MONK
He’s got one.

PALADIN
Monk, get out of here. Get out of there, Monk!

PALADIN
You all right?

MONK
Tarnation, that gun smarts. Are they all dead?

PALADIN
All six of those barrels went off at once.

MONK
All went off at once? I thought I got ’em both with one shot.

PALADIN
Monk. Well, Augusta, it looks like you’ve got what every woman should have-a man you can train from scratch.

MONK
That’s just one step after itch.

PALADIN
Good night, young lovers.

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