129-“Foggbound”

Season 4, Episode 12 – Original Airdate: (December 3, 1960)

<= 128 – “Marshal’s Boy == The Legacy” – 130 =>

Director: Andrew V. McLaglen, Written by Shimon Wincelberg.

PATRIC KNOWLES as Phileas Fogg
(The Savages, 1963) as Werner August
(Champagne Safari, 1959) as Charles Trevington
PETER WHITNEY as Major Proctor
(The Last Laugh, 1958) as Judd Calhoun
JON SILO as Jean Passepartout
(Bob Wire, 1963) as Clerk
ARLENE McQUADE  Princess Aouda

Fogg, in our struggling young nation, we cannot yet afford to play for the sake of a jolly good game. The colonel has a gun. He’s playing to win, and so am I.

INT. HOTEL CARLTON LOBBY – DAY

PALADIN
I, uh, think the seasoning may be a little strong for him. Give him some milk, Hey Girl.

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
Pardon. My master wishes to see you at once.

PALADIN
Smells very good. Will you have a seat?

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
Please, monsieur, do not torture me. My master can’t wait. There is not a minute to be lost.

PALADIN
A matter of life and death, hmm?

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
Voilà. Here.

PALADIN
Yeah, it’s worth considering further. Where is he?

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
Ah, right over there.

PALADIN
Mm-hmm.

[Paladin stands while Philias Fogg examines him]

PALADIN
Do I remind you of someone?

PHILEAS FOGG
Good heavens, no. You were recommended to me by the British Consulate as being, on the whole, a trifle more trustworthy than the majority of your fellow countrymen. It is essential, for reasons which cannot possibly concern you, that I reach the township of Reno by tomorrow night at 7:00, in order that I may meet the train which is to take me to New York by 10:00 p.m., December, the 11th.

PALADIN
Well, you could have caught that train an hour ago here.

PHILEAS FOGG
I was prevented from doing so by elements beyond my control.

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
There he is again. He’s found us.

PALADIN
Who is that?

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
A countryman of yours. A Colonel Proctor by name. He insisted on trying to challenge my master to a duel.

PALADIN
Thus preventing you from catching your train?

PHILEAS FOGG
We met on the Oakland ferry. I took exception to certain unfortunate remarks he made about my country. He had the insolence to offer me choice of weapons. Ever since, he’s been following me around with the persistence of a bloodhound. It’s rather amusing, really.

PALADIN
Well, I wonder if he was moved more by his honor as a patriot, or by the sight of that cash in your carpetbag.

PHILEAS FOGG
The important thing is to get me to Reno in time. Can you do it?

PALADIN
With a certain amount of luck, it’s possible. It is now exactly 11 minutes after 11:00.

PHILEAS FOGG
You’re fast.

PALADIN
That is impossible.

PHILEAS FOGG
You’re exactly four minutes fast. No matter. To mention it is enough. Tell me, how long will it take you to get ready?

PALADIN
45 minutes.

PHILEAS FOGG
Passepartout, you will arrange for the horses. And keep an accurate account of all expenditures.

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
Oui, monsieur.

PHILEAS FOGG
I shall go and lie down for 40 minutes. And I’ll see you in the livery stables, Mr., uh…

[Paladin and Fogg exchange cards]

PALADIN
Paladin.

PHILEAS FOGG
Oh, yes, Paladin, of course.

PALADIN
“Phileas Fogg, Esquire. Reform Club, Pall Mall, London, West One.”

[Fogg reads Paladin’s calling card]

PHILEAS FOGG
Paladin. It shows you have a decent respect for the classics. I shan’t inquire into your true name.

PALADIN
I beg your pardon?

PHILEAS FOGG
I understand that nearly everyone in this part of your country harbors a secret guilt which if their true name were found out, might expose them to the most severe reprisals.

PALADIN
Well, you are most considerate.

PHILEAS FOGG
Yes. Don’t, uh, don’t try to take advantage of it. In the meantime, your past is no concern of mine. Good day, sir.

PALADIN
Well, would you mind telling me what that was all about?

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
He made a bet with some other Englishman that he could go around the world in 80 days.

PALADIN
Well, I suppose they figured that if it could be accomplished, an Englishman should be the first one to do it.

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
You will find Monsieur Fogg to be a very excellent master. Firm but fair. Indeed, the only difficulty is, uh…

PALADIN
Is what?

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
He is, of course, quite mad.

EXT. IN TOWN

PALADIN
What is that?

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
Aouda. Princess of Allahbad. Saved by my master from her late husband’s funeral pyre at the most appalling risk of death and torture to all of us.

PHILEAS FOGG
Remind me to order a new timepiece, will you?

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
Oui, monsieur.

PALADIN
Fogg, nothing was said to me about a woman accompanying us on this expedition. You don’t seems to realize what kind of an ordeal we’re about to undertake.

PHILEAS FOGG
Is it her capacity for the ordeal you underestimate, or your own? Come, Aouda. We’ll make our way the best we can without the aid of this cavalier. Aouda. Am I to understand you’ve set yourself against me?

PRINCESS AOUDA
That man is right. There is no place on such a trip for a weak woman. But I am not a weak woman. In Punjab, where I was raised, a girl child who lacked the skill of a mountain goat either broke her neck or was sacrificed to Kali.

PRINCESS AOUDA
Hyah!

PALADIN
Princess Aouda, you only make me wonder.

PRINCESS AOUDA
Sir?

PALADIN
What other secrets the Punjab may have to teach the West.

[Crosses river]

PALADIN
We are still on time, Mr. Fogg.

[Paladin picks a wild flower from the side of the river]

PALADIN
Look at this. It’s the only one of its kind I’ve ever seen. Like you. This would be lovely in your hair.

PRINCESS AOUDA
Oh, but among my people, a flower worn in such a manner has a definite meaning.

PALADIN
Which is?

PRINCESS AOUDA
It means that I-that the woman…is betrothed to somebody.

PHILEAS FOGG
May I? Since neither of you seem to have any use for this.

PHILEAS FOGG
Passepartout, heat the water, please.

PALADIN
What now?

PHILEAS FOGG
It’s 4:00. Time for tea.

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur Fogg, there is no tea left whatever.

PHILEAS FOGG
Good heavens.

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
I forgot to buy some in San Francisco. I was so unnerved by that abominable Yankee who followed us.

PHILEAS FOGG
There’s some chaps over there. Pop over like a good fellow and ask them if they can spare us a pinch of tea, will you? Explain the circumstances.

PALADIN
Tea. The best you can possible get from them is what they call coffee. It’s tan bark. That’s if they’re prepared to be civil to you at all.

PHILEAS FOGG
Civil to a fellow traveler in distress? I shall go myself.

PRINCESS AOUDA
Can’t you stop him?

PALADIN
I’m not sure I want to.

PHILEAS FOGG
So, we meet again.

MAJOR PROCTOR
Only this time, it ain’t gonna be so easy. You owe me a duel, mister. I figure on collecting right here and now. With maybe a little side bet in soft cash.

PHILEAS FOGG
As I pointed out previously, I have no intention of meeting on the field of honor with someone who can neither lay claim to honor nor breeding.

MAJOR PROCTOR
And I’m calling you a yellow, dirt-lickin’, toad-eatin’, limey skunk.

PHILEAS FOGG
Well, it seems to me our respective country’s eating habits are neither here nor there.

PHILEAS FOGG
If you think you can provoke me into changing my mind, I assure you, you cannot.

PRINCESS AOUDA
Please!

[Paladin draws his gun on Major Proctor]

PALADIN
Eh.

PHILEAS FOGG
Thank you.

PHILEAS FOGG
Well, shall we proceed?

PRINCESS AOUDA
Is that all you have to say to this man?

PHILEAS FOGG
I beg your pardon?

PRINCESS AOUDA
You don’t seem to realize how helpless we would be here without him.

PHILEAS FOGG
Precisely. That’s exactly why I’m paying him.

PRINCESS AOUDA
I followed you halfway around the world because I believed you to be a man.

PHILEAS FOGG
I’m a gentleman, not a street brawler. If this modest point of distinction doesn’t strike you as adequate…

PRINCESS AOUDA
No, it does not. And if your countrymen are anything like you, I’m not sure I wouldn’t rather stay here.

PHILEAS FOGG
Passepartout.

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur.

PHILEAS FOGG
Well, according to my calculations, we’re some five minutes ahead of schedule.
I’m well pleased.

PALADIN
Well, I’m happy that you are. Have you looked behind you?

PHILEAS FOGG
Colonel Proctor.

PALADIN
He can catch us anytime he wants to.

PHILEAS FOGG
Therefore?

PALADIN
Therefore, we should head for the brush and turn toward the river.

PHILEAS FOGG
Sir, are you proposing that I employ subterfuge to evade this ruffian?

PALADIN
Mr. Fogg, it’s your schedule.

PHILEAS FOGG
You have very little understanding of the British spirit of sportsmanship. One engages in a contest, not for the sake of vulgar victory, but for the sake of playing the game.

PALADIN
Well, in playing the game, have you considered the safety of this young woman?

PHILEAS FOGG
Princess Aouda derives from a cast of warriors who have given Her Majesty a rousing good scrap once in a while. And all the better for it. But out in the open, mind you, not-not hiding behind some craven ambush, like-like-like red Indians.

PALADIN
The last countryman of yours who uttered sentiments like that about tactics was a fellow named Cornwallis, just before the Battle of Yorktown. Now, I wonder what he thought when Washington finished with him.

PHILEAS FOGG
Charlie Cornwallis. That fatuous second-rate little opportunist who let those untrained colonists lead him around by the nose? Let me tell you, sir, that if your town had been defended by my great grandfather, General Sir Hezekiah Fogg, your country today would be little more than the southernmost province of Canada.

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur Fogg, it was your kind of strategy that defeated the great Napoleon at Waterloo. I am with you.

PALADIN
And you, Aouda?

PRINCESS AOUDA
Mr. Fogg saved my life. I’m his to do with whatever he wishes.

PHILEAS FOGG
Uh, now, now, there, young woman. I shall countenance nothing that doesn’t have the full sanction of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

PALADIN
Mr. Fogg, in our backward little country, we are not yet able to afford playing the jolly good game. We play out here to win. Especially when there are lives involved. Now, if that idea is repugnant to you, you may proceed without me. I am headed for Reno.

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
In the words of La Bible, sir, “They shall run to and fro, and knowledge shall be increased.”

PHILEAS FOGG
That’s enough of your cheek.

[By a river]

PHILEAS FOGG
Now, this map, which I purchased in San Francisco at a cost of $25, states categorically that the river at this point is no more than four feet deep.

PALADIN
There was a hot spell in the Sierras last week, melted a lot of snow.

PHILEAS FOGG
Well, this map makes no provision for hot spells in the Sierra.

PALADIN
Well, be that as it may, we obviously can’t swim any horses across this. It’s too deep and too swift.

PHILEAS FOGG
Mr. Paladin, I must insist. My schedule depends upon it. Passepartout.

PHILEAS FOGG
Passepartout, you’re an idiot. This is obviously a ferry crossing.
Now, go and find a boat. There’s a good chap.

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
Oui, monsieur. The bags are on the horses.

PALADIN
Well, I suppose we’d better find someplace to make a camp. Proctor and those people will be coming along. We’ll need someplace that’s protected.

PHILEAS FOGG
My valet expects to find me here, and here I shall stay.

PRINCESS AOUDA
Mr. Fogg, I do not want to leave your side. But to stay here in the open when those men may attack at any moment is sheer madness!

PHILEAS FOGG
It was because of sheer madness- as you choose to call it- that my nation was able to build an empire upon which the sun never sets.

PALADIN
Fogg…you have circled three-quarters of this globe with your eyes entirely closed to everything except your small creature comforts and your inflexible routines. Very well! I think it’s just about time you found out that this is one country where the ground rules of cricket won’t get you to second base. Princess.

PRINCESS AOUDA
Paladin, I’m frightened.

PALADIN
What of?

PALADIN
In a way, Fogg’s right. They built that extraordinary empire of theirs by believing that the rules of cricket apply throughout the world.

PRINCESS AOUDA
I’m afraid of going to England. Why, even the English poets find England unbearable.

PALADIN
How so?

PRINCESS AOUDA
Shakespeare. “There live not three good men unhung in England and one of them is fat.”

PALADIN
Well…Boswell said, “When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.”

PRINCESS AOUDA
Here we are, one man and one woman, bursting with life, alone in the wilderness, and you have nothing more passionate to offer than Anglo-Saxon poetry. Back in our mountains, a man like that would not be considered a man.

PALADIN
Yes. Mm-hmm. Now, what do you suppose Mr. Phileas Fogg would do if he saw us together bursting with life?

PRINCESS AOUDA
He’d challenge you to a duel to death.

PALADIN
Mm.

PRINCESS AOUDA
Wouldn’t he?

PALADIN
I suppose he would.

PHILEAS FOGG
Hello, Colonel.

MAJOR PROCTOR
This time, it’s for real, Mr. Fogg. We gonna have our little duel, whether you like it or not.

PHILEAS FOGG
Very well. If you insist.

PALADIN
All right! You want to try it?! Now, shuck that gun out there! Are you ready?

PHILEAS FOGG
Hardly cricket, old man.

PRINCESS AOUDA
Phileas!

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur Fogg!

PALADIN
Ah!

PHILEAS FOGG
Oh, I’m so sorry.

JEAN PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur Fogg!

PHILEAS FOGG
Why is it that there’s nothing that thrills a woman so much as the sight of a man’s blood?

PRINCESS AOUDA
Even covered with blood, he’s sarcastic!

PHILEAS FOGG
She has a fine temper. All spirit and whipcord. To her people, she’s dead, so she has no home. You strike me as being very capable, so I’ll entrust her to your charge. Since she seems to prefer the rigors of San Francisco.

PALADIN
Well, Mr. Fogg, let’s have a look at this shoulder.

PALADIN
Now, Mr. Fogg, if all your wounds are as slight as this one, you will be fortunate.

PHILEAS FOGG
Indeed.

PALADIN
You are exactly on time, Mr. Fogg. This is the Truckee River, which flows directly into Reno. Sir.

PRINCESS AOUDA
Mr. Paladin. I can’t say the words to him.

PALADIN
No?

PRINCESS AOUDA
Tell him they say that a man and a woman are like two wheels on the cart of life.

PALADIN
And one will not turn without the other.

PHILEAS FOGG
Indeed, madam, they do say so.

PRINCESS AOUDA
Ask him if he would have me for his wife.

PHILEAS FOGG
Tell her I will.

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