168-“A Knight to Remember”

Directed by Andrew V. McLaglen. Written by Robert Dozier.

HANS CONRIED as Don Esteban Gutierrez Caloca
DOLORES DONLON as Dulcinea Caloca
ROBERT CARRICART as Dirty Dog
RICHARD SHANNON as the Escort
LANE CHANDLER as Bender – Landlord
DOROTHY DELLS as Rita – the Woman
SUSAN BROWN as Paladin’s Love Interest
WRIGHT KING as Alejandro Caloca

DOLORES DONLON also appeared in: (The Gladiators, 1960) as Allison Windrom.

ROBERT CARRICART also appeared in: (Duke of Texas, 1961) as General Pablo Mendez, (A Quiet Night in Town: Part 2,1961) as Joselito Kincaid, (A Quiet Night in Town: Part 1, 1961) as Joselito Kincaid.

RICHARD SHANNON also appeared in: (Sweet Lady of the Moon, 1963) as Dr. Weiser, (Alice, 1962) as Morgan, (The Ledge, 1960) as Cass Richards, (Alaska, 1959) as Carl Grimes, (The Moor’s Revenge, 1958) as Ben Jackson, (The Ballad of Oscar Wilde, 1958) as Jim Rook, (Bitter Wine, 1958) as Tim Gorman.

LANE CHANDLER also appeared in: (Ben Jalisco, 1961) as John Tay, (The Twins, 1960) as Sheriff, (The Naked Gun, 1959) as Lace, (Les Girls, 1959) as J. Brodie. He began his acting career in 1921 and has appeared in 391 films and teleplays.

DOROTHY DELLS also appeared in: (Sweet Lady of the Moon, 1963) as Mary Murdock, (The Fifth Bullet, 1962) as Emmy Bartlett, (One, Two, Three, 1962) as Girl, (The Campaign of Billy Banjo, 1960) as Mrs. Fred Wade, (Fight at Adobe Wells, 1960) as Madge Mattock, (The Golden Toad, 1959) as Jacqueline.

WRIGHT KING also appeared in: (Brother’s Keeper, 1961) as Cull, (The Search, 1960) as Lane Kilmer, (The Chase, 1959) as Gyppo, (Helen of Abajinian, 1957) as Jimmy O’Riley.

You can’t go around killing steers
just because you think they’re dragons.
Don Quixote, what in the world are we gonna do with you?

INT. HOTEL CARLTON – DINING ROOM – DAY

Tables and chairs are placed against the wall and Paladin and Senor Rondelli are fencing.

SEÑOR RONDELLI
Touché!

PALADIN
Temper, Señor Rondelli, temper, temper, temper.

PALADIN’S LOVE INTEREST
Now that you’ve won me, Paladin, what do you intend to do with me?

PALADIN
Well, I have been giving that some medieval thought.

HEY BOY
Mr. Paladin. Telegram.

PALADIN’S LOVE INTEREST
Well, what is it?

PALADIN (reads the telegram out loud)
“My father Don Esteban Caloco del Gutierrez has lost his mind.”

PALADIN’S LOVE INTEREST
Does he expect you to find it for him?

PALADIN (continues reading the rest of the telegram)
“In his present condition, he is dangerous both to his friends and strangers. My sister and I can do nothing with him. We need your help. Alejandro Del Prado Caloco.”

Hey Boy, I want a horse saddled in front of the hotel when I come downstairs.

HEY BOY
What are you gonna do with the lovely lady?

PALADIN
Hey Boy. I’m afraid you will have to defend her against the amorous Señor Rondelli.

Hey Boy graciously takes the fencing sword and says the equivalent of “En Guard”  in Chinese. The woman laughs at his display.

EXT. ON THE TRAIL – DAY

ALEJANDRO CALOCA (speaking proudly)
As far as you can see, Mr. Paladin, is my father’s land, my father’s cattle, my father’s barns and his houses and his people. They depend upon him for their living. Do you understand me?

PALADIN
I think so, Mr. Caloco.

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
My father is no longer in any position to fulfill these responsibilities.

PALADIN
Why me? You could have him declared incompetent by any doctor, and then you could have administered his estates yourself.

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
First, I must find him.

PALADIN
He’s been gone a week. Have you looked?

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
Well, no. The fact is, Father doesn’t trust me. He’s even attacked me on several occasions.
He’s violent. He’s strong and agile for man his age.

PALADIN
You’re afraid of your father?

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
Afraid? It’s a nightmare with me. He’s a formidable opponent. What if I should have to shoot to protect myself? I can’t reason with him. I’d have to defend myself. We haven’t sent a posse for that reason. There isn’t a man in the county who want my father’s blood on his hands.

PALADIN
But as a stranger, I’m elected, because it doesn’t matter if I have your father’s blood on my hands?

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
You don’t want to understand me, Mr. Paladin. He sees an old friend of years ago, all he remembers is some little argument. He forgets everything else. The old friend is his enemy. But to you, a stranger, he can be neutral.

DULCINEA CALOCA (very concerned)
I’ve brought father’s medicine. He left without it. Would you take it to him? What’s the matter?

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
My sister, Dulcinea. I thought he might be able to help, but…

PALADIN
I haven’t made up my mind.

DULCINEA CALOCA
Mr. Paladin, this poor old man is going to kill himself if someone doesn’t kill him first.
I want him back. He needs us. We need him.

EXT. ON THE TRAIL – DAY

Paladin under the lance

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO (speaking as the character Don Quixote)
Arise, Black Knight of Hades, and meet death on your feet.
Or would you, foul enchanter that you are, prefer to die upon your knees?

PALADIN
Well, I think I’d prefer to rise. May I?

Paladin grabs the end of the lance and pulls him off his horse. He falls to the ground.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO (with frustration)
This blasted armor is so heavy I can’t get up.

PALADIN
Are you all right?

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
I’ll be better on my feet.

PALADIN
All right. Now you wouldn’t, by any chance, be Don Esteban Gutierrez Caloco, would you?

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
And you, sir, by what name are you called?

PALADIN
Paladin.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
Are you a knight?

PALADIN
Well, in a manner of speaking.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
May I tell you something? I am not truly a knight. I’ve never been formally invested.

PALADIN
Your secret is safe with me. I may even be able to help you. Shall we away?

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
There is one more thing.

PALADIN
What’s that?

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
I must find the Lady Dulcinea.

PALADIN
Who?

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
Why, sir, a lady. For a knight-errant without a lady love is like a tree without leaves or fruit. A body without a soul.

They ride off and he continues his monologue.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
lf, as punishment for my sins, I should come upon some giant hereabouts, a thing that very commonly happens to knights-errant, and if I should slay him, would it not be well to have someone to whom I may send him as a present in order that he, if he is living, may fall upon his knees in front of my sweet lady and say, “I, lady, am the giant Caraculiambro*, lord of the island of Malindrania, who’s been overcome in single combat by the knight who sent me to present myself before Your Grace that Your Highness may dispose of me as Your Highness sees fit?”

*The giant Caraculiambro, Lord of the island Malindrania, whom he beat in singular battle the ever as it should praise Don Quixote of la Mancha.

EXT. AT THE INN – DAY

PALADIN
Feed and water these.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
I’m tired. I want a dinner and a drink.

PALADIN
Come on.

Woman screams in fear as she sees Caloco in his full suit of armor.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
Be not afraid. It is my duty to protect such highborn ladies, as you seem to be.

Woman laughs at Caloco’s statement.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO (seriously)
Laughter without good cause is a very foolish thing.

THE ESCORT (mockingly)
What in the blue-eyed world you dressed up for, Pop?

BENDER – LANDLORD
Hey, Caloco, you wait out in the stable. I’ll send for Alejandro and Dulcinea and they’ll be right out for you in a jiffy, you’ll see.

PALADIN (rebutting the Landlord’s order)
Landlord. He is my guest. We’d like something to eat and something to drink.

BENDER – LANDLORD (reassuringly)
We know him. We’ll take him off your hands.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
I would like something to eat and drink. And after that, I will sleep wherever you wish,

BENDER – LANDLORD
Dirty Dog, you take him out yonder and lock him in the stalls so he don’t wander out and hurt himself.

PALADIN (continuing to insist)
He is my guest.

BENDER – LANDLORD
Well, now I don’t want him here with the folks. He ain’t always so peaceful, you might say.

PALADIN
I’ll be responsible.

BENDER – LANDLORD
Well, all right.

PALADIN
Now, Sir Knight, shall we eat?

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
This is a foul place.

PALADIN
Yes.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
Low company.

PALADIN
Yes.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
I’m worried about my vigil. The monster is coming, the giant Caraculiambro* is coming. I know it, I feel it, and I have to keep my vigil. In the chapel, I must sit and watch my armor, till the dawn.

*The giant Caraculiambro, Lord of the island Malindrania, whom he beat in singular battle the ever as it should praise Don Quixote of la Mancha.

BENDER – LANDLORD (O.S.)
We ain’t got no chapel.

PALADIN (speaking in classical prose)
Come tonight’s vigil, the outside may do as well. For what is the outdoors, with a bright bower of stars if it be not indeed God’s own chapel?

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
It might do.

PALADIN
Excuse me.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
Oh, lady of great beauty, strength and vigor to this fainting heart of mine.
I now must begin my feast.

THE ESCORT (irritated at Caloco’s remark to the lady)
Hey, you tell him to leave off that now?

PALADIN
Will you send for his son and daughter?

BENDER – LANDLORD
Gladly. Have you got an eye out for the old man? He’s rich as Croesus, got about the sense of a billy goat. He dresses up in those old iron clothes his grandpa brought across from Spain. He thinks he’s this guy in the book.

PALADIN
Don Quixote.

BENDER – LANDLORD
Yeah!

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
Caraculiambro!

THE ESCORT
Watch out, you old clown, or I’ll knock your brains out! You leave off bothering her!

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
For the second time.

PALADIN
Now that’s enough.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
Because I have not made my vigil, and I do not have the right. I am not a proper knight. You are.

PALADIN
That’s correct.

BENDER – LANDLORD
Now you get him outta here. Look at my chairs.

THE ESCORT
Mister, you don’t know how close you came to getting your head shot off.

PALADIN
Or was it you? You couldn’t leave him alone? Did you seriously think that he was gonna take her away from you?

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
Thank you.

PALADIN
Take him outside and see he doesn’t get into any more trouble. Don Quixote, your vigil is about to begin.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
We are fortunate that this man has saved me from shedding innocent blood. I mistook you for another. I commence my fast.

EXT. GRAVEYARD – DAY

He is kneeling on the ground. Brother and sister ride in to the stage depot.

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
Now listen, Father…

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
Sir, you mistake me for another. I am Don Quixote de la Mancha.

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
Oh, stop this hogwash.

DULCINEA CALOCA
Father, you’re not well enough to sit out all night.

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
Now come on, let’s start back home.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
Please leave me alone.

DULCINEA CALOCA
We’re only trying to help you, darling.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
I don’t like you very much.

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
Like me or not, I’m your son and your heir. Now let’s start back home.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
Folly and insolence!

PALADIN
Dirty Dog! Let him up. I’ll see that nothing happens to the old man. Here now.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
He’s an enchanter, and a great enemy of mine. He knows I am to do battle with his knight and be the victor, and he can do nothing to prevent it. He causes me all the trouble he can. I’m warning him. I should thank you, sir.

PALADIN
Alejandro,

DULCINEA CALOCA
Alejandro, what is it?

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
Nothing. I’ll talk to you later.

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
I tell you, you don’t know how difficult he can be.

PALADIN
Since I’ve been with him he’s been twice badgered and backed into fighting.
I think perhaps he’s right to stay on the offense. Why did you send for me?

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
He doesn’t want to be cooped up, to be under someone’s care. He wishes to fight.
He believes it is his duty to subdue giants and other knights. I thought in a manner of speaking, we might give him his wish. It shouldn’t be difficult for a man like you to provoke a fight with him. His lance or sword, your gun.

DULCINEA CALOCA
My father’s gone!

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
I’m offering $1,000 to anyone who brings in my father dead.

DULCINEA CALOCA
Alejandro!

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
Yes, dead. I’m sick of it. It’s only a matter of time before he kills someone else. $1,000, Bender, you tell it around. No shares. Anyone putting a bullet in my father gets the full thousand. I’ll be waiting for him at home.

THE ESCORT
Frieda, you know that little 40-acre patch I been looking at? It’s mine.

RITA – THE WOMAN
He’s angry. He doesn’t mean what he says. Mr. Paladin!

EXT.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
There it is. Caraculiambro and his castle. A lifetime of foul deeds stored up in stone and wood and glass. Do you understand me? I don’t think so, but what does it matter?
To have a lifetime of tears and work and noble deeds and then leave to…what’s your name? Shall I try you in battle? First, we fight. His gorgon sent out to defend the approaches to his castle. Steady, old friend. Ready…

Charges the cow.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
Enough. I can’t tolerate this fellow much longer.

PALADIN
Old man, you cannot go around killing cows.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
I had a nobler object next…the house and all the dreams that are in it.

PALADIN
Don Quixote, what are we ever gonna do with you? Dirty Dog, you keep him here.
I’m going up to the house.

EXT.

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
You had your price after all. Where’s the meat?

PALADIN
Caloco, I want you to get on your horse, ride out and spread the word that that bounty of yours is no good.

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
It’s good all right. When I sent you after my father, I figured he’d attack you, and you’d kill him. Now I’m making sure of it.

PALADIN
Whether you use money or your gun, you’re committing a murder.

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
Not much you can do about it, is there?

PALADIN
I’m gonna tell you one more time, to get on a horse.

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
Let’s go in the house first. Have a drink and talk it over.

Paladin shoots Alejandro.

ALEJANDRO CALOCA
It wasn’t your business, was it?

PALADIN
You made my business, Caloco. You hired me.

EXT.

PALADIN
Old man.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
I’ve made my vigil and slain a monster, and proven my courage and fortitude in battle.
Now I’m ready for you.

PALADIN
Old man, listen to me.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
No, hear me first.

He shows them the dead man with the lance through his chest.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
Madly he charged us, foaming in his desire to see us dead and do us harm. Cursing the sky and his god, bravely I leveled my lance and smote him. Now I am a true knight.

PALADIN
Yes, now you are a true knight. Don Quixote de la Mancha, kneel. By the laws of knighthood and the powers which I have wrested from the former king of this castle
and the strength of all the monsters and of Caraculiambro whom I have killed, I dub thee Knight. Rise, Sir Knight. Go and claim your castle.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
But the monster.

PALADIN
Don Esteban, I have killed your son. I’m sorry.

DULCINEA CALOCA
Father.

DON ESTEBAN GUTIERREZ CALOCO
Caraculiambro is dead? Come, my dear, let us go home.

PALADIN
To him your name is Sancho Panza. He will feed you, pay you, and you will take care of him.

BENDER – LANDLORD
Say, you ain’t just gonna let the old man wander off like that.

PALADIN
I have an idea that this Indian summer of chivalry is over. But if anyone gets an idea to hurt him, to bait him, to push him into a fight, I’ll hear about it, and I will come back. You might do well in the words of his favorite author, to remember “’tis a foolish thing, dwelling ‘neath a roof of glass, to stone thy neighbors as they pass.”

*The entire stanza from Don Quixote: Prefatory Poems, Urganda the Unknown by Cervantes reads:

Remember, ’tis a foolish thing,
Dwelling beneath a roof of glass,
To stone thy neighbors as they pass,
For they likewise may pebbles fling.
Seek rather to please in everything
The man of taste and judgement fine,
That he may ponder every line;
If damsels be thy audience,
Thou shalt be spurned by those with sense,
To fools thou dost thyself consign.