206-“Penelope”

Directed by Andrew V. McLaglen, Written by Shimon Wincelberg.

JOANNA BARNES as Penelope Lacey
LAWRENCE DOBKIN as Col. Oliver Lacey
JAMES BROWN as Andrews
JESTER HAIRSTON as Euclid
JACK DONNER as Teasing Man
IVAN BONAR as Bartender
Nick Borgani as Hotel Guest (uncredited)
Stewart East as Waiter (uncredited)
James Gonzalez as Hotel Guest (uncredited)
Herschel Graham as Hotel Guest (uncredited)
Ethan Laidlaw as Hotel Guest (uncredited)
Forbes Murray as Hotel Guest (uncredited)
Paul Ravel as Hotel Guest (uncredited)
Tony Regan as Hotel Guest (uncredited)
Victor Romito as Hotel Guest (uncredited)
Cosmo Sardo as Hotel Guest (uncredited)
Bert Stevens as Hotel Guest (uncredited)
Hal Taggart as Hotel Guest (uncredited)

LAWRENCE DOBKIN also appeared in: (Love of a Bad Woman, 1960) as Haskell Sommers, (The Great Mojave Chase, 1957) as Billy-Joe Kane.

JESTER HAIRSTON also appeared in: (The Waiting Room, 1962) as Old Man. He also played Spence Robinson – Tom’s Father (uncredited) in “To Kill a Mockingbird” (1962).

INT. HOTEL CARLTON LOBBY – NIGHT

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Mister, you were sitting there all afternoon. You haven’t said a blessed word.
Snug as you please. Let other people spill their insides out and contribute not a single syllable of your own, and what I want to know is, have you been laughing at me?

PALADIN
Oh.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Well, then, why not say something? Let the world know you’re alive.

PALADIN
Well, it seems to me that you have pretty well exhausted the areas of conversation without any help.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Mister…may I ask you something? Are you married? I mean, are you wedded to a lovely creature who treasures you above all earthly things? No? Then I pity you. From the bottom of my heart, I pity you. No offense, of course.

TEASING MAN
Hey, Colonel? Hey, um, Colonel Lacey, sir?

Hmm?

Why don’t you get up…and, uh, hightail it for home, hmm? The rain’ll sober you up,

hmm?
Oh? Um, two days you’ve been here now…drinking and talking about…your devoted wife that you ain’t seen for more than a year. You ain’t afraid of what you might find, are you, Colonel, sir, hmm? You ain’t hanging around here because you’re afraid you might embarrass that devoted wife by busting in without a word of caution?
Are you, Colonel, hmm?

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Ah, shut your mouth! You shut your mouth…or I’ll shut it for you! Do you hear me?
Well…I was just ribbing him. Any man that gets that riled, well, he is worrying.

PALADIN
Who is he?

BARTENDER
Colonel Oliver Lacey. Used to be a regular here ‘fore he… ‘fore he married and bought himself a ranch near Redwood City.

PALADIN
Well, the colonel is a very unmovable man.

BARTENDER
He’s unmovable in forgiving a man besting him, too.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Somebody hit me? Who? Who hit me? Who? You hit me?

PALADIN
Well, Colonel, you were in the midst of telling me how unlucky I am not to have a faithful woman of my own, and I didn’t want you to get sidetracked.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Oh. Oh, that’s right. I’m a lucky man. I’m a very lucky man. I’ll cripple anybody says other…

PALADIN
“A woman of valor who can find? For her price is far above rubies.” Proverbs.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Why, you can say that again. Oh, oh. Bar… Barkeep? Barkeep?
Do you know my Penelope? It’s been over a year since the last time I saw my Penelope.
There is no other woman born of man you can leave alone that length of time, and her husband not even give it a day’s worry.

PALADIN
Well, I hope she appreciates the compliment.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Appreciates. And I went to Mexico to find a fortune.
Provide her with all the comforts a handsome woman like that is entitled.

PALADIN
Well, it seems to me, a woman is entitled to her husband’s company also.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
And what would you know about how to treat a woman? Hmm?

And in Mexico, many is the night I sat there, lonesome,

just thinking about my Penelope waiting for me.
True and straight as a church tower. She’s above all form of earthly temptations.

PALADIN
Does she know you’re coming home?

COL. OLIVER LACEY
What?

PALADIN
Does Penelope know you’re coming home?

COL. OLIVER LACEY
A good woman doesn’t have to know where her man is every minute.
Yeah, I’m gonna bust right in and surprise her.

PALADIN
You mean she doesn’t even know whether you’re alive or not?

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Makes no odds to Penelope.

PALADIN
To Penelope.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Wait a minute. Penelope. She’s not like these other women you see around.
The painted, sinful hussies, lallygagging around the minute their man’s back is turned.
My Penelope is as straight as an arrow.

BARTENDER
On the house, Colonel. One for the road.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Well… I’ll leave when I’m ready to leave, not one minute before.
And she will be right there waiting for me.

PALADIN
Colonel, you are taking a lot for granted.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Are you meaning to imply anything about my wife?

PALADIN
To Penelope.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Well, you haven’t got anything in there.

PALADIN
Not, in, in, uh, uh…

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Penelope. She…

HEY BOY
Oh. Oh, excuse me, Mr. Paladin. You have visitor over there.

EUCLID
This yours, sir?

PALADIN
Yes, it is.

EUCLID
I ask a favor. Not-not for myself, sir. For the colonel. He wrote me he was coming. Yes, sir, I can read. I’ve been many years in his service, and he’s a good man.

PALADIN
What’s the favor?

EUCLID
Well, sir, it’s bad if he rides out to his ranch without the lady being warned.
There’ll be bloodshed, sure as you’re born. You understand, sir?

PALADIN
Well, couldn’t you warn him?

EUCLID
Well, I’m an old man, and what life I have left is precious.

Directions how to get there are on the back.

PALADIN
Old man? Old man, where did you get this card?

EUCLID
From the Chinese gentleman, sir. He’s most understanding.

INT. HOTEL CARLTON – EVENING

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Whoa. Penelope. Mmm. Aah, Mr. Paladin. Oh, Penelope. Come here, come here. Come here. Oh, Penelope. What’s the matter?

PALADIN
Hey Boy? As an understanding Chinese gentleman,
what did the old man tell you about the colonel?

HEY BOY
Oh, very sad story. When colonel go on filibuster, lady hire straw boss.

PALADIN
What else?

HEY BOY
Old man say lady very good woman, but the straw boss is…

PALADIN
Oh. The straw boss and the straw widow, eh?

HEY BOY
Very easy combination to make fire. Uh, romantic nature of conflagration appeal to Mr. Paladin?

PALADIN
Well, Hey Boy, I suspect that when the colonel wakes up,
he will have a conflagration inside his skull that will require your skills.

EXT. ON THE TRAIL – EVENING

PALADIN
Uh, good evening. I wonder if you folks could afford me a night’s shelter.
My horse has gone lame.

ANDREWS
Sorry, mister, but having a stranger ’round at night would be upsetting to the lady of the house.

PALADIN
Oh, I understand that, but you do have a barn and some straw, don’t you?

ANDREWS
Get your foot out of that door.

PALADIN
Well, now, sir, I told you that my horse has gone lame.
I have no intention of ruining a good animal.

ANDREWS
Look, mister, you get going now. Your horse is no business of ours.

PALADIN
Well, perhaps if you ask your wife, she might have a little more human understanding about it.

ANDREWS
I don’t have to ask my wife. I give the orders around here.

PENELOPE LACEY
Andrews, put that shotgun down. Go and feed and water the man’s horse and get the horse doctor.

ANDREWS
Yes, ma’am.

PENELOPE LACEY
Do it now.

ANDREWS
I ain’t hardly begun my dinner yet.

PENELOPE LACEY
You eat enough for three men, you don’t hardly do the work of one. Now get going.

PALADIN
Oh, and, uh, be careful with that horse.

PENELOPE LACEY
Andrews may lack manners but he does his work.

PALADIN
Well, I take it he is not your husband.

PENELOPE LACEY
Andrews? Oh, now and forever, no. Amen.

PALADIN
Well…I find it very hard to believe. I find it very hard indeed to believe that you had a husband who would leave such cooking and such a beautiful wife.

PENELOPE LACEY
I had a letter from him six… eight months ago, all full of brag and bluster about the city of gold he was about to stumble on. Grown man still playing at soldiering like a green pup in a paper helmet. As if I wouldn’t rather have a man around the house than all the gold under the sun.

PALADIN
Well, he must have had a very good reason.

PENELOPE LACEY
He thought so. Heard somewhere about an Aztec temple full of gold, decided for himself
that was just what I had always wanted… gold. You’ve seen Oliver.

PALADIN
Yes.

PENELOPE LACEY
When’s he coming home?

PALADIN
Tomorrow, I believe.

PENELOPE LACEY
Well, that’s good. There’s plenty of work waiting.

PALADIN
That all you’ve got to say?

PENELOPE LACEY
What do you expect me to do…fall on my knees and weep?

PALADIN
Well, you do want him back?

PENELOPE LACEY
Oh, after all these months? Every day some man skulking around.
I finally hired Andrews to chase them off. Then he started getting notions.

PALADIN
Well, you have certainly handled Andrews successfully.

PENELOPE LACEY
I’ve managed while my husband traipses through the jungles of Veracruz.
Well, he can stay away or come home. It’s all one to me.

PALADIN
Penelope…sometimes these silly things a man has to do once.

INT. HOTEL CARLTON – PALADIN’S SUITE – DAY

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Where am I?

HEY BOY
You’re in Mr. Paladin’s room.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Paladin?
Oh, oh, Paladin.

HEY BOY
Go to sleep. Don’t worry. Go to sleep. Sleep.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Hey. This Paladin… where is he?

HEY BOY
He go see your wife. Don’t worry.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
My wife. My gun. You see my gun?

HEY BOY
No.

INT. COL. LACEY’S HOUSE

PENELOPE LACEY
Paladin.

PALADIN
Hmm.

PENELOPE LACEY
Stay here with me. I’m thinking I don’t want Oliver back.

PALADIN
Well, he’s come a long way to find that out.

EXT. COL. LAC  HOUSE

ANDREWS
You’re Colonel Lacey, ain’t you?

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Yes. Who are you?

ANDREWS
Just a hired hand, Colonel. I’m sure glad you’re here.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Oh, why?

ANDREWS
Well, sir, uh…Well, it’s them two in there, carrying on like they was…

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Carrying on?

INT. HOUSE

PENELOPE LACEY
You haven’t given me your answer yet.

GUNSHOT

PENELOPE LACEY
Oliver!

COL. OLIVER LACEY
No, no, no, let him keep that gun. I don’t want her running around afterwards, saying I didn’t kill him in a fair fight.

PENELOPE LACEY
Oliver.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
I’m gonna count to three, Romeo.

PALADIN
Colonel Lacey.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
You must have taken me for the world’s prize fool.

PALADIN
You are bucking for that title.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
You mean you didn’t intend to add her to your collection?

PENELOPE LACEY
Oliver!

PALADIN
Colonel Lacey, I can only promise you, if you reach for that gun, you will be dead within the second.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
One.

PENELOPE LACEY
No, Oliver.

PALADIN
Can’t you see your wife wants you to stay alive long enough to hear the truth?

COL. OLIVER LACEY
I know the truth.

PENELOPE LACEY
You boneheaded old fool. Paladin’s here for your sake.

PALADIN
Well, perhaps it would be a shame to waste a woman like that on a thing like you.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Why don’t you squeal for mercy? Go on. ‘Cause I want her to see just for what she’d break the heart of her wedded husband, and him traveling to the ends of the earth for her sake and never looking to another woman.

PENELOPE LACEY
What about me, a woman alone trying to run your ranch?

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Woman alone? Ha. I ought to thank you for opening my eyes, Paladin.

PALADIN
Well, Colonel, if you believe that, the count is two.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Two.

PENELOPE LACEY
Oliver.

PALADIN
Oh, never mind, Penelope. It’s all right. At least now you can run off with Andrews
the way he wanted you to.

PENELOPE LACEY
Yes. Just what we wanted, isn’t it, and now we can.

ANDREWS
Now-now wait a minute.

PENELOPE LACEY
Go on. Save Andrews the trouble of killing you himself.

ANDREWS
Now, ma’am, tha-that ain’t so. Colonel, she’s a-lying to you.

PENELOPE LACEY
No, it don’t matter now. You can tell him the truth.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Hired hand, you said.

ANDREWS
Yes, sir, and that’s all. I didn’t plan nothing like that. I don’t care nothing for you.

PALADIN
Colonel Lacey, the man doesn’t breathe who wouldn’t want Penelope.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
That’s true.

ANDREWS
Yes. I mean, no. Colonel, I swear, she’s lying to you. I can’t stand the sight of her.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
Now you have gone too far.

PALADIN
Now you better take your chance and get. Now you listen to me.
Did you see your wife just saved your life at the risk of her own?
If you need any greater proof of her devotion, you’re a bigger fool than I think you are, and that would be an achievement.

COL. OLIVER LACEY
World’s prize fool. Never a…a woman born of man as, as true as my Penelope.

PALADIN
He’s a very lucky man. “A woman of valor who shall find? For her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband trusteth her, and he has no lack of gain. She doeth him good and not evil all the days of her life.”

ANDREWS
I could’ve got her, you know?

PALADIN
Friend, you didn’t even come close.

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